On being the one that got away...
Continually being the one that got away is a little tiresome. Sure, it is a nice boost to the ego at the time, but in the long run I think it gives you an underlying sense of insecurity.
Ever since I began dating, it has seemed to become part of the necessary cycle of break-ups for me to get some sort of message a few days to a year later about how they were full of regret and realized they didn't know what they had at the time.
At 15, it was the upset ex showing up at my door with poems and threatening suicide after I chose not to take him back after he broke up with me for the fourth time.
At 17, it was the long distance boyfriend who had ended our six month relationship by the classic stopping returning my phone calls maneuver emailing me to tell me he was still in love with me and was coming to see me to try to make things right.
At 18 or 19, it was the phone call from my high school sweetheart, who had gotten frightened at the prospect of things getting serious post high school telling me how I had helped him so much and he never realized what he had at the time.
At 24, it was text messages from my most recent ex saying how he was sorry for all the mistakes he's made and couldn't stop thinking about me... despite the conversations we'd had for months pre-break-up about what exactly needed to change if I wasn't going to leave, which he seemingly blatantly ignored at the time.
Perhaps there should be some perverse joy in knowing that they think back on me with such fondness and genuinely regret having hurt me. It is certainly nicer than knowing they look back with resentment, and I suppose it allows a little redemption for my pain.
I don't know if maybe I am happening a few years too early for each of these fellows, or if I am just meant to be a lesson learned for them. But what really scares me is what this is supposed to mean for me. Is anyone going to recognize me for me at the time, no matter how much I put into things? Or am I constantly destined to be the one that got away?
I'd like to think he won't let me leave this time. He makes me feel like he sees me for who I really am more than anyone had before. But I'm still scared that he might. And it doesn't matter whether he regrets it later.
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8 comments:
Hrm, I'm trying to think of something comforting to say, but I really can't think of anything... Anyway, I just found your blog and wanted to introduce myself. *wave*
Hmmm, my cynicism kicks in here...
I've been on the other side of this - I broke off a relationship, it was undoubtedly the right thing to do, but I still got a hankering now and then to phone her up and "see how she's doing". Truth is that I always seemed to get it whenever I was feeling a bit down or a bit, well, horny. Whatever - if I had acted on it, it would've been a very selfish act (cos I still think us breaking up was a good thing...)
The answer is simple: They are men.
This has never happened to me. No girl has ever called me and said they regretted not being with me anymore.
I'm going with the peverse pleasure.
Little Student- Hi! *waves back* Thanks for dropping by- always good to find fellow psych nerds :).
Ant- So either my sexual prowess is unforgetable or they are especially selfish??
Ultra- ....or they are all men. That really is the common denominator in all this.
I try and not think about the possibility of them leaving. Which has been fine, up until now. I figure that the more you worry about someone leaving or something specific happening, it tends to. You subconciously make it happen over time. So if you just go with it, then it'll work out.
However, this could all be a total load of shite...especially considering the fact that I think I may have found "the one"...and I'm actually living in fear of her meeting a short Japanese guy whilst in Japan. HA! I've so got nothing to worry about!
Or have I...? Grrr...curse my over active mind!
John- Very much agreed. You don't want to fall into the realm of needing constant reassurance that they won't leave, because that degenerates into a silly little self-fulfilling prophecy.
Plus, as you get more confident in a relationship, such fears *should* fade.
Sad to hear your lovely lady has gone off to Japan. I'm sure she will love you ever the more if you confidently stick by her while she's gone.
Was your age seventeen long distance beau you mentioned in this one the same as C?
They needed to learn--just as much as you did. Think about how much each one added to your life some bit of knowledge that is irreplaceable. You would not be the same if not for this knowledge.
It does suck, though, trying but feeling like others are not trying as hard as you, that the effort is lopsided. Hope you have one who does try as much as you.
Anyway, you know what it is I like about reading your work? Most everyone writes about themselves, especially here in bloggland, but you have it in perspective. Many feel like they are the center of the universe and feel like victims all the time--at least they do in their writing.
You reserve those feelings for when they are true, for the times when life does victimize you a bit. And you admit to not liking to do it, to not wanting to sound like you are whining. Your posts are heartfelt writings and explorations of feelings, tempered with a sense of humor about yourself that is very endearing.
Everyone is their own best subject, so don't get me wrong. That's what we all have. But you are good at being objective and it's refreshing. I feel I do indeed understand you, to answer you back. Your posts are very honest in that way.
We are nerd souls of similar mold.
And about posts below this one: I just got my site meter yesterday at about this time of night. I've had over a hundred visitors today! I had no idea. I should have started my counter at a higher number than three thousand.
But--several of them are google searches for pictures of Steve Yzerman! Arghh! That's OK. I was Audacious enough to use a picture of the downtown Detroit mural of him. Yes, he is a GOd here. Were he to run for governor, nobody would be able to beat him. He is that esteemed. And now with him teired, the Wings didn't even sell out the home opener! Blasphemy! That we dare call ourselves Hockeytown...
Anyway, would have gotten to you sooner, but my cable keeps going in and out, and I have to wait for it to come back, then the modem has to re-boot. Totaly sucks. But, it leaves lots of time to type detailed responses.
Also--It's nice to have intelligent conversation and good reading, even in this crazy weird way, like you said. But it's not that weird, it's faster than snail mail! Thanks for listening. Cable just came back on, so I might be able to send this turkey.
Love the whales, by the way!
Peace out, friend.
I meant retired abuot Stevie Y. Damn spelling lapses. I look down at my keyboard too much while typing. Bad habit.
Ha! It was totaly cool when I found that pic in a google search. I had to use it for my profile.
Ok, Bedtime! It's 3:30 here.
Night!
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