Monday, June 18, 2007

Learning to sit still

It's raining in my head and I feel like I'm drowning.

It's a testament to the human condition that the past can still grab you by the throat when you least expect it.

It seems to be the burden of someone who has recovered from depression, even when it has been over a decade, to be scared of sadness. The second I start to feel down I want to fight it with every fibre of my being. Even when it is a completely rational reaction, I feel guilty for having it, and do everything I can to erase it.

So today I'm just trying to sit with it-- just let myself have an unapologetically bad day and forgive myself for it in advance.

And know that, as they say, this too shall pass.

6 comments:

psychgrad said...

Actually, I really relate to this post today. I keep telling myself, it's ok to not have a good day..to waste all of your time and to feel down because of it. It doesn't mean that I am a failure. Tomorrow will be better.

Beth said...

It will pass. Experiencing sadness is all part of the human condition. How would we recognize and appreciate happiness without the sadness to compare it too?
Don't feel guilty and don't be scared. You don't even have to "forgive" yourself. Bad days happen. Let them.

eric313 said...

Strong first line. I like the second paragraph, too. I like it all. This is a very good work of prose. Tie the feeling from the beginning to the end, that the rain in your head, or the feeling of drowning lungs will pass. You probably know that--you're a grad student who needs no instruction from the likes of me. But you have great prose, so I have to tell you the little secrets that my prof's have imparted to me through close work. I've mastered nothing, but I do have the wisdom and the experience that many literati lack and I know gold when I see it.

eric313 said...

I didn't mean that you lacked anything in your writng at all, though, right? You write as flawless as any. I've just always had a life of crazy drama (not like my short stories or poems, but bad enough) and so it translates well to seeing dramatic arc in a given situation. This one is a very personal poem and I perhaps shouldn't be spouting unsolicited advice that you could hear at any workshop. I just like work with strong pathos, and personal work is always that way.

Princess Pointful said...

Psychgrad- I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with it- I guess perfectionist may be in our nature!

Beth- Very wise words :)

Eric- No worries! I appreciate that you like my writing and enjoy any reactions to it. I'm a grad student, but certainly not in creative writing or anything related, so I'm happy to keep away from the stale writing of day-to-day life!

eric313 said...

Oh, that's cool. I just realized from your story that you are a therapist. I thought you were a writing student, that's good that you have your sights set higher. Anyone can be a writer as long as the feel the calling and the love and will put in the lonely time. I just happen to love very little beyond communication and literature and the doors that it has opened for me. And inspiration. I love that best, as I'm certain we all do.
Thanks for listening, Princess.