Sunday, January 27, 2008

Wine + blog = super awesome dance party!

Disclaimer: The writer of this post may or may not have been on the slightly tipsy side during its composition.

Being downtown on Saturday at 3am is an exercise in avoiding eye contact. While in the light of day, random bus stop conversations with drunken strangers may make for amusing blog fodder, beneath the glow of a streetlight and surrounded by the echoes of intoxicated whooping  sort of ruins any conversational atmosphere. This is the time I tend to put on my unapproachable face (okay, actually better deemed my bitchy face, in all truth)-- particularly when my iPod is dead and pretending to be distracted by a taxi with Denny's hubcaps can only get you so far.

The things I pondered whilst willing the bus to hurry itself and be miraculously free of wasted 21-year olds:

- Sangria is the biggest (and most delicious) restaurant con on the earth. How else do they get rid of cheap red wine and browning fruit by the pitcher full?
(mmmm.... sangria....)

- Anyone who spends a dime on a stretch SUV limo really deserves to have their rights to financial independence revoked.

- Why do drunk people think that "EVERYONE WITHIN A 5 BLOCK RADIUS WANTS TO KNOW HOW FUNNY MY IMPERSONATION OF ADAM SANDLER IS".

- Potentially the saddest sight ever is girls who are done up to the nines, yet have still failed in their night's goal of picking up. Even pseudo-lesbianism didn't get them enough attention. The teeter down the street so very precauriously, slowing down a little as a crowd of drunken university students walk by, desperate for just a little reassurance.

- Boys, on the other hand, who have failed in attracting a member of the opposite sex to revel in their unwashed sheets, won't give up in the thought that maybe, just maybe, though they couldn't meet anyone in the club, maybe they can on their stumble home. So they grunt/hoot/holler at every woman who walks by. And, very likely, berate them as "sluts!" when they don't respond to these ever so appealing mating calls.

- How is it that, in charades tonight, I actually had to act out diabetes? And, when I tried to indicate blood, someone shouted out "self-mutilation"!
Then again, I couldn't even successfully act out turtle.

As these thoughts run through my mind, the bus approaches... and is remarkably full of sleepy looking homeless guys rather than drunk frat boys. Although the drunk frat boys do get on a few stops later. When I get off the bus, one tells me that my purse is a "Stanley Kubrick bag", perhaps trying to show of his brilliant cinematic knowledge, though I'm not quite sure where the association came from.

Walking down my street, I hear what sounds like a high-pitched child's voice, when out of the shadows emerges a cat. In typical Princess fashion, I start cooing and baby talking him. He looks remarkably like my old cat, so I see fit to tell him so. And then Cat follows me home, and starts rubbing up against my front door expectantly. I try to reason with Cat. I tell him that he has to stay outside, and pet him for another five minutes in some attempt at appeasement. I somehow slip in the door, and he starts mewing.
My heart breaks a little.
I search frantically in my fridge for something to suit Cat's palate. Do cats like mustard?
I settle with a dish of water, for I am out of milk. I place it on my front stoop, which he promptly ignores, demanding more cuddles. I get sucked in again. I eventually dash back through the door when Cat's back is turned, for he looks ready to dash through my entryway if given a chance.
Cat mews some more, and even though he wasn't especially skinny, I find myself googling "what to feed cat when no cat food". No dice. Thankfully, by this point, Cat had given up on me, and scampered off to greener pastures.
*sniff*

And, yes, dear readers, I lied. There is no super dance party at all, only a Princess about to crawl into bed.

However, I will leave you with a rather entertaining little snippet from my week...

The scene: Friday morning, 8:30am, coffee shop.

I am stirring in some cream into my coffee, when I suddenly hear a series of pigeon noises. I look around, only to catch the eyes of a smiling man who appears to be homeless.

Him (upon noticing me noticing his bird impression): You are so beautiful.

Me: Pardon?

Him: You are so so beautiful. So beautiful. I hope your day is as beautiful as you.

Me: Oh, thank you!

Him: My name is Dan. *stretches out hand*

Me: Nice to meet you. *stretches out hand in return*

Him: *kisses my hand*

Me: *thinking I need a way to end this politely, as he is still trying to engage me in prolonged conversation* Well, I have to get going, but thank you, you made my morning.

Him: I could make your night, too.

Me: Uhhhh... I think I'll have to decline that offer.

That's right folks, not only pigeon cooing, but dirty pick up lines, before I've even had my coffee. I am a stud magnet and a half.

42 comments:

Katana said...

lol ohhh that was a cheesy pick up line of chick-flick proportions! You're totally a stud magnet ;-)

Maxie said...

awww kitttttyyy. Poor thing :-(

Yoda said...

SUV stretch limo? Have you seen the Hummer version? Drop-the-fuck-dead UGLY!

You are pretty, so no wonder you get hit on. The cheesiest line I EVER said: "Do your pants have mirrors? 'coz I totally see myself in them" hahaha! Its one that's been around.

Ant said...

:-D

I also loved this post too!

The kitty appeasement thing is something I totally do (though googling "what to feed cat..." is maybe somewhat above and beyond the call...)

And he may be homeless, but you gotta admit, he has a certain style...

lspoon said...

Wow, now that's a night!

Patty said...

I agree about the stretch limo, and the cheesey pick up line. Makes me really glad that I am married.

Deutlich said...

Dudette - I sorely despise when the men-folk do that "SLUT!!" thing.

Seriously? Not cool.

Sangria? Is actually illegal in Virginia. Who knew? Why do we have such a lame law?! Oh, right... it's Virginia.

The kissing on the hand thing would've wigged me out. I... kinda hate when people do that. Squicks me out.

Beth said...

Were you out at 3:00 a.m. in the morning alone?!
Such adventures you have...you even manage to meet a homeless man who is a bit of a Don Juan.

Wendy said...

Poor kitty!! I would have caved and let him in.

And that's a great (definitely cheesy!) pick up line - I'm half tempted to use it on someone, heh! :)

Princess of the Universe said...

I have nothing add other than I really enjoyed this post!

PrincessPolly said...

Sounds like a typical weekend night in Glasgow also - guess it doesn't matter where you go, the people aren't all that different! What a funny line from that guy - I bet you felt truly blessed. Not. :)

r.xo said...

I have the same feelings about sangria...but then I try to remind myself (and now you) that we're doing an honourable thing by making sure the fruit and cheap wine doesn't go to waste, you see. By the time I'm sticking my fingers down my third glass for that one.last.piece.of.fruit that I can't quite reach, the whole cheap wine and brown fruit thing doesn't seem to matter so much :)

Surfergrrl said...

you can come to my house, kitty. I'll have some food for you. :) do you still have that cat toy my cat loved so much?

Drunken frat boys! yummy...just kidding!

ttcmb said...

lol what a pickup line. The only thing that would have been going through my head is must wash hands or use sanitizer as soon as possible. Being paranoid to touch anyone is just one of the joys of working in the health field.

distractedspunk said...

I love your ability to write about typical stuff that most people wouldn't think twice about.

At my goodbye party at a gay karaoke bar this summer, a man told me I was so beautiful, he'd turn straight for me. How's that for a pick up line!

sequined said...

Those frat boys should take a lesson from the homeless guy. He got way further with you than they apparently can.

alyndabear said...

Oh dear. I've never drank sangria before, what does it taste like?

Your night out (and morning!) sound fabulous - sounds like I need to get out more. :P

Airam said...

Though I've never tried Sangria, I've always wanted to. Well not now after your description of it!

nicoleantoinette said...

Stop it, I adore Sangria. And hey, you gotta hand it to the guy for being.. original? No wait, he wasn't original. Creepy? Haha, yah, better.

Carrie said...

Hi! Found you through brookem! Isn't the internet great?

#1) Aw kitty; isn't it so heartbreaking when they follow you home and you can't adopt them?

#2) *SHUDDERS at creepy pick up line* now do you take it as a compliment or an insult?

#3) All drunken thoughts are SO true. Why, when we refuse to act like sluts and ignore the mating calls, do we get called the exact type of woman they are trying to pick up? Argh...

Jess said...

You are SO RIGHT about that sangria thing. I never thought about that before.

pbandrazz said...

i love sangria too! i think it's a con because that wine and browning fruit doesn't taste so much like booze. and then it's 3 pitchers later and i cannot stand up.

i shuddered a little from that creepy pickup line.

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

The only way to pull off the, "You are beautiful" line is to give it without expectation, and actually mean it. I've done it before and it started some great conversations, and other times it caused a smile...which was equally rewarding.

Clueless Cat said...

LoL, what a line! hahahahj

jennifer said...

ah hahaha love the homeless pick up line.

and, about the sangria, that is quite true.

you continue to be a wonderful blogger, like you're talking to a friend when you write all this.

xx

libby said...

ahh you are too nice! i would have scampered off if some random stranger called me beautiful that early in the morning! haha.

WKC said...

Stretch Hummers/Escalades are the tumors of modern civilization. Like their biological counterparts, they'd probably benefit from a hearty nuking.

I experience firsthand every weekend the plague of drunken college students. I'm lucky I live on the edge of the collegetown area instead of in its heart like most of my schoolmates. Though you bring up an interesting perspective...maybe next time I'll pity them a little too, in addition to wishing they were all gone again like over winter break.

Larissa said...

Haha, funny. Being friendly with random people often backfires on me too.

Hope said...

Haha! This was too funny, the whole post. I LOVE your inebriated posts!

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

You have to admire the front of that homeless man.

What nerve.

I agree on the stretch limo. There are few things as tacky.

SMARTBuddy said...

"I could make your night too" ! Someone actually said that? Thats made my morning!

Michelle said...

creepy, but hell a compliment's a compliment, right? ;)

haha.

and you totally jipped us on the super awesome dance party

benjibopper said...

you googled 'what to feed cat when no cat food'? that is awesome. i have to try that, just to see what comes up. i guess there are still some problems google can't solve, sigh. your post reminded me of hali in the 'good ole days' which sadly don't seem to have changed for many of the folks around here.

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

I was so sad reading the part about the cat. I miss my kitties at home!

the frog princess said...

Awww... Cat :(

I had a similar experience while on my way to the Dollar Store the night before I left for Uganda. I felt so bad about World's-Cutest-Kitty that followed me down the street mewing that I bought a can of Friskies for him, but when I got back to my street he was gone.

That can now sits in my cupboard with a note reading "Stray Cat Food" so that unwitting house-sitters won't feed it to *my* cat by mistake.

I am such a dork.

Valerie said...

Oooooooooh, my goodness, that is too funny.

I talked to a guy I sorta know at a bar the other night, and we were talking about some mutual friends who are about to have a baby (as in, maybe even RIGHT THIS SECOND), and he said "we can practice that if you want" (baby-making, that is). EWWWWWWW

And your drunken words are way better than my sober ones.

ana said...

hahaha you are indeed a stud magnet...the kissing the hand thing would freak me out. eww...

SUV stretch limo, pull them out and beat them with their number plate.

and yeah the guys shouting out "slut" thing gets me infuriated....in fact any comment made just to debase the other person makes me mad.

brandy said...

Okay there's a zillion things I could comment on with this post but my brain can't work because it's distracted by thinking "how would i act out diabetes"?

Dorky Dad said...

I guess I should stop using that pickup line.

And EVERYBODY loves my Adam Sandler impersonation.

Thomas said...

Maybe some of us are on the slightly tipsy side while writing our comments.

Sheila said...

Wow, that ran me from an emotional "aw poor kitty" to "ew!" I'm sure you are a stud magnet, most people are just too *busy* [reading, talking on their phones, avoiding eye contact] to notice!

eric1313 said...

"- How is it that, in charades tonight, I actually had to act out diabetes? And, when I tried to indicate blood, someone shouted out "self-mutilation"!
Then again, I couldn't even successfully act out turtle."

From their interpretation of blood, it's easy to see you were hanging with the psych crowd.

Cats don't like cheese, either, btw! Don't ask!

This was a wonderful post! I smorgas board of Princess. Sorry I've been behind, as your words flow and are really taking off.

I'm jealous!