Unanswered questions

My mother called me at nine this morning to ask what kind of engagement ring my sister would like.

That being said, my mom is not looking to propose to my sister. Instead, she received a call from T, my sister's on-again boyfriend, asking for help in his selection of a ring. I suppose the 9am call was a way of sharing the happy news in an indirect manner. While I had a sense this was coming (and there is no doubt in my mind that she will say yes), the elation I always expected I would feel at such news, is being overshadowed by a brick of apprehension sitting in my stomach.

And I feel horrible about this.

More background is probably needed...

Lil Sis and T were together for around two or so years. They, by all appearances, were leading a pretty ideal life, complete with a house to themselves and her dog. I thought very highly of T. He was funny, down-to-earth, and grounded enough to balance the two of them out quite well.

But things began to go downhill. I first noticed it when I was at their place for the Christmas holidays, and the usually social T barely said two words to my then new boyfriend, after I had assured the Duke that they would get along great. T and Lil Sis were in the midst of some crazy stressors, including looking after T's father, who was ill with cancer. My sister got thrown into the rather thankless job of taking basic care of him, with relatively little gratitude flowing back her way.
As well, my sister was beginning to grow sick of the city, and spoke of wanting to return to HomeTown sooner, rather than later. T humoured her in this regards, but never fully engaged in the idea with anything other than words. The final straw came when he told my sister he wasn't sure he believed in marriage, a fact that probably should have floated to the surface before they moved in together, and that he didn't intend to leave the city.

She left him soon after this revelation. He was crushed, and begged for her to return, planning an elaborate wedding proposal. She began dating, perhaps seeking that freedom that one's early 20s are supposed to bring. Their occasional interactions seemed to generally be somewhat conflictual or awkward, including the incident in which she called, over six months after their break-up, to talk to him about her sick dog, and he began yelling about a date she had with another man.

A year after their break-up, she formally decided to leave the city behind, and moved back to our HomeTown. This decision was pushed along by her burgeoning re-friendship (and apparently more) with an ex-boyfriend.

So you can imagine that I was shocked when, a week after she'd moved 8 hours away from T, she announced to me that she was back in love with him.
Apparently, during their final goodbye before her move, they had both broken down and confessed their love for one another.

If that wasn't more surprising, he has now completely canceled plans to move to an entirely different city with a friend, and is shopping around for a house in HomeTown (which he is not from). They also have planned a trip to Hawaii. And now, after less than two months of long-distance rekindlement, in which they have seen each other a maximum of three times, he is buying an engagement ring.

I want to be happy. I want to pretend that nothing ever changed between the two of them, that they are still the same couple they were in the past.
But I can't.
Sure, he is doing all the right things, all the things she wanted to change. But to me, it isn't really about just proposing and moving. It is about the problems in communication that led to these issues not being addressed in the first place. And I am not convinced they have had the opportunity to resolve these issues.

Yeah, time can do wonders. But it isn't guaranteed to do so. I would feel a lot better if they would at least move back to the same city before falling into house buying and wedding planning, to make sure things are back to good. Everything about someone else seems rosy when you only see them every month or so, and you can only whisper sweet nothings over the phone, rather than the real life discussions of topics like money and work.

It is not that I don't want them to succeed. I think that he is a wonderful man, underneath all the difficulties they have had, and I know my sister deserves to be happy. I just don't want them to be in such a hurry that they stack the odds against themselves.

I think this lump of apprehension comes as much from my worries about their hurried romance as it does from the fact that I can't discuss it with my family.

My sister is stubborn, and takes any questioning of her choices as a personal affront.

My mom is supportive to a fault, such that she will stand wholeheartedly behind any decision my sister makes, no matter how ridiculous. This results in some incredible contradictions at times, like her praise for a guy that turns into criticism when my sister has decided to end things with him. As such, her trepidation about Lil Sis and T's relationship resurgence has quickly morphed into a full scale celebration of him and their romance.

I sense that my dad, the eternal observer, may feel more than he says, but generally keeps silent.

I also know that my criticisms can be easily written off as jealousy. I would be lying if there wasn't a tinge of that floating around. I do get envious of my sister's seeming ability to do everything so effortlessly, to be able to move or buy a car or go on a vacation with little foresight, while my bloody PhD seems to block any semblance of impulsivity. She, at three years younger than me, does get to plan a wedding and owning a home while I plan a dissertation. However, jealousy is not the underlying factor to my concerns.

It's hard enough being the responsible person in the family, the one who asks the hard questions. But it's harder even to be pondering the questions no one really wants to hear.