This weekend, myself and 12 other lovely ladies gathered to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of one of our besties in the only way we apparently know how: with copious penis paraphernalia and mucho wine.
Yes, a bachelorette party-- this one involving renting a villa in a lakeside city a few hours away from us, and pretending to be cultured on a winery tour.
Highlights and lessons of the weekend?
Lesson #1- If one is going to have a quickie before meeting up for a 4 hour long drive with 5 perceptive friends, it is best to remember to put your shirt back on inside-in, rather than inside-out.
Highlight #1- After much harassment, one of my more reserved female friends had been talked into flashing our other carload of friends when they pass us on the highway. Just as she was preparing to get her, um, guns out, we noticed that the black sedan beside us is, in fact, not our friends, but rather a couple in a very similar car. A close call indeed.
Lesson #2- Leaving goat cheese in your purse overnight makes your wallet smell like rancid feet.
Highlight #2- Inflatable sex doll with the groom-to-be's face taped on. Enough said.
Highlight #3- Secretly flying in the maid-of-honour, who initially couldn't make it due to financial constraints, on a Saturday morning to surprise the bride-to-be by crawling into bed with her.
Frightening moment #1- Winning this contraption in a game. Would you let this thing anywhere near your genitals?
Lesson #3- Any attempt to look cultured at a wine tasting will be quashed if someone is wearing a veil with penis confetti glued on.
Highlight #4- Having a woman come up to said veil, and then exclaim "Oh! Those aren't arrows!"
Highlight #5- When in a supposedly positive-energy imbued wine pyramid, we are told by our tour guide that we are supposed to sing a song before we leave. We then bust into a rousing chorus of "Baby got Back"
Highlight #6- When playing sexual position charades, making up terms like the backwards playtypus and the merry-go-round for other teams to act out.
Lesson #4- At midnight, everyone will be making epic plans to go skinny dipping in the lake. If you tell them you just need to have another drink or two to be into that, by the time you have those two drinks, you will be the only one shouting "Woo! Let's go skinny dipping!" while everyone else is passing out.
Lesson #5- Men and women do bachelor/ette parties very differently. While we were spoiling the bride-to-be, the groom-to-be was told he couldn't get up from the couch until he had finished a cooler full of beer. While we were up at 9am to clean up the villa, go to brunch and drive home, the men were still residually drunk at noon, with the Duke just getting into the shower when I arrived home at 5pm.
Lesson #6- Despite your best efforts, the mass media really does have an effect on you.
Case in point- When a car follows your van full of girls for a two hour period, switching lanes whenever you do, matching your speed exactly, and passing other cars just to get behind your van again, you will start remembering "Death Proof" and start planning how the six of you can retaliate *just in case* before pulling over at a rest stop.
And you will feel ridiculous when the car instead just drives by when you finally do stop for a pee break.
Highlight #7- While stuck in traffic on our way back into the city, with our windows rolled down, Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and we gave the fellows in Wayne's World a run for their money.
(Side note- For the more perceptive of you, yes, that is a Wayne's World reference two posts in a row. Dana Carvey would be proud.)