Sunday, May 10, 2009

Fermented grapes and associated debauchery

This weekend, myself and 12 other lovely ladies gathered to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of one of our besties in the only way we apparently know how: with copious penis paraphernalia and mucho wine.  

Yes, a bachelorette party-- this one involving renting a villa in a lakeside city a few hours away from us, and pretending to be cultured on a winery tour.

Highlights and lessons of the weekend?

Lesson #1- If one is going to have a quickie before meeting up for a 4 hour long drive with 5 perceptive friends, it is best to remember to put your shirt back on inside-in, rather than inside-out.

Highlight #1- After much harassment, one of my more reserved female friends had been talked into flashing our other carload of friends when they pass us on the highway. Just as she was preparing to get her, um, guns out, we noticed that the black sedan beside us is, in fact, not our friends, but rather a couple in a very similar car. A close call indeed.

Lesson #2- Leaving goat cheese in your purse overnight makes your wallet smell like rancid feet.

Highlight #2- Inflatable sex doll with the groom-to-be's face taped on. Enough said.

Highlight #3- Secretly flying in the maid-of-honour, who initially couldn't make it due to financial constraints, on a Saturday morning to surprise the bride-to-be by crawling into bed with her.

Frightening moment #1- Winning this contraption in a game. Would you let this thing anywhere near your genitals?

Lesson #3- Any attempt to look cultured at a wine tasting will be quashed if someone is wearing a veil with penis confetti glued on.

Highlight #4- Having a woman come up to said veil, and then exclaim "Oh! Those aren't arrows!"

Highlight #5- When in a supposedly positive-energy imbued wine pyramid, we are told by our tour guide that we are supposed to sing a song before we leave. We then bust into a rousing chorus of "Baby got Back"

Highlight #6- When playing sexual position charades, making up terms like the backwards playtypus and the merry-go-round for other teams to act out.

Lesson #4- At midnight, everyone will be making epic plans to go skinny dipping in the lake. If you tell them you just need to have another drink or two to be into that, by the time you have those two drinks, you will be the only one shouting "Woo! Let's go skinny dipping!" while everyone else is passing out.

Lesson #5- Men and women do bachelor/ette parties very differently. While we were spoiling the bride-to-be, the groom-to-be was told he couldn't get up from the couch until he had finished a cooler full of beer. While we were up at 9am to clean up the villa, go to brunch and drive home, the men were still residually drunk at noon, with the Duke just getting into the shower when I arrived home at 5pm.

Lesson #6- Despite your best efforts, the mass media really does have an effect on you. 
Case in point- When a car follows your van full of girls for a two hour period, switching lanes whenever you do, matching your speed exactly, and passing other cars just to get behind your van again, you will start remembering "Death Proof" and start planning how the six of you can retaliate *just in case* before pulling over at a rest stop.
And you will feel ridiculous when the car instead just drives by when you finally do stop for a pee break.

Highlight #7- While stuck in traffic on our way back into the city, with our windows rolled down, Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and we gave the fellows in Wayne's World a run for their money.
(Side note- For the more perceptive of you, yes, that is a Wayne's World reference two posts in a row. Dana Carvey would be proud.)


Caz said...

haha they didn't make us sing in the wine pyramid! But then again that was like 2002 and I was um 16?

And yes, boys and girls do bachelor(ette) parties VERY differently.

All Mod Cons said...

This post makes me feel kinda funny, like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.

You know marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries?

(Sounds like a top trip to me).

Michelle said...

Wow. That sounds like some bachlerette party. I've never been to one. Is that odd? I was invited once to one, but it was only a meal at a seafood restaurant and I was pregnant and had to cancel because the nausea was too much.

Hope said...

I love that movie! But wait, I didn't get the first reference?

Jersey said...

I actually think it's against the law in 43 states NOT to try to give Wayne's World a run for it's money when Bohemian Rhapsody comes on the radio...

Sounds like you had a blast!

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Okay, you seriously need to invite me next time have such a fun, FAB rendevouz!!

Princess of the Universe said...

A car FULL of Babe-raham Lincolns. Nice.
That sounds like a fabulous weekend!

Deutlich said...

DUDE! that thing looks like it could EAT my genitals.


Meghan said...

That sounds like such a fun weekend!Vino and Wayne's World references make for a very good time.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Holy crap. That is a TERRIFYING sex toy.

Mermanda said...

Your comment made me lol. I replied on my blog... and I hope it in turn, makes YOU lol.

Maris said...

Wow, you aren't kidding there when you said debauchery! Sounds like you had a wonderful weekend and made some vivid memories :)

Blaez said...

oh i LOVE bacherette parties!!! sounded so fun!

Andhari said...

I ADORE bachelorette parties and the surprises for the soon-to-be brides. HILARIOUS. I love the inflatable dolls idea too.

Kat Argonza | Tough Girl 101 said...

So, I am so sorry i missed such a night lol. You actually remind me of that "morning after" feeling. You know? THe post binge drink night where is wear i'll never, ever, EVER do something like that again, or I lament how old I feel inside.

Katelin said...

haha sounds like an amazing bachelorette party! and that contraption looks a little scary i must say, haha.

EP said...

That sounds like a fabulous bachlorette party! I love the first lesson, too. I have some friends who would pick up on any funny business in an instant and then spend the rest of the time saying, 'Ewwww' over and over again. Heh.

Also, WTF is that contraption that you won? It looks scary...

michelle woo said...

I just went to two bachelorette parties in Vegas. Unfortunately, they wouldn't allow the blow-up doll in the hotel pool.

LiLu said...

"While stuck in traffic on our way back into the city, with our windows rolled down, Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and we gave the fellows in Wayne's World a run for their money."

We did the same on the way back from NYC a few weeks ago. Maxie even had a wig on... it was glorious.