Sunday, January 24, 2010

Spinning around to reach full circle

Call it coming full circle or something.

I opened up my computer, deciding again to write. I then looked at that plane shaped icon on the monitor in front of me, to find I am once again hovering over Lake Michigan, 37,000 feet this time. And Wild World started playing in my ears once again.

And my head is all muddled.

Perhaps I expected these trips to help resolve all this uncertainty, this stomach tightening ambiguity that makes what used to be statements suddenly become punctuated with huge bold question marks. But there was no real epiphany. None of those movie-perfect revelations in it all becomes clear, that this is where I’m supposed to be.

I briefly thought I might have found it in one city, navigating through deliciously pulsating neighbourhoods. As I tend to do when I develop a crush on a city, I began the detailed process of imagining myself living on the 5th floor of a specific building and deciding where I would shop for groceries. It didn’t hurt that the placement I was interviewing for looked absolutely dreamy on paper. But it wasn’t so swoonworthy in the pain in the ass world we call reality. It felt overly competitive, painfully bureaucratic, yet hypocritically disorganized.

And then the programs that made me especially giddy are in cities without that spark. One is a city I already spent a handful of years in, which, though convenient and reasonably effortless, seems devoid of any sense of adventure. And one is just really damn cold.

So, while there is clearly some indication of the right direction to go, I kind of hoped I wouldn’t have to go through that painful formalized step-by-step decision making process. I wanted to just know.

Really, though, this is such a silly debate this is to be having with myself. I still could end up at any of them, and I could make my own little life there for a year. I would learn immense amounts from any of them, and it would still be a pretty epic success to end up at any of them. And, after all, it is just a year.

I think I need to come to terms that major life choices don't operate like the quintessential lightbulb above the head. They are never so clear and instantaneous. Real life doesn't operate by love-at-first-sight rules.

6 comments:

verybadcat said...

but sometimes they are, so when they aren't, it's really confusing.

just try to take comfort in your faith in the universe- what is meant to be will happen.

plus, it is only a year.

i'm so glad you're writing again.

choochoo said...

Yeah, it's only a year and you never know what'll happen once you get there :D It's like that movie 'sliding doors' or whatever. I'm all hopped up on coffee. Makes me philosophical and whatnot.

NamesAreHardToPick said...

But does love at first sight actually work anyway?

I can almost bet you that no matter what you decide it will work out because you can only follow one path (and thus, it will appear as if it worked out).

Also, consider this.

eric1313 said...

Girl it worked for me! The move there and back changed my life and the way I;m looking at things.

Always remember to tell me this: Don't wait for "the light at the end of the tunnel", go down there and strike a match!"

I learned that. And I loved every moment, you should see the pictures one day when ever I post them here on the blog.

As for me, I'm trying to get back into shape in the realm of poetics, hopefully I won't have to take too many steps back before I can leap forward!

You take care and so glad to hear from you! I refused to believe you were going to be that busy forever.

Write me whenever about being a Great Laker.

eric1313 said...

As for drive to write, you'll get it back, writing is not something you can do whilst being effected by external stresses like your current situation.

Remember Maslow!

Also: You are awesome and you have stage obligations to let sing all of the deepest in your soul. You know it.

You are one of the great actuators in this world, even if you strive a ton on the way.

eric1313 said...

Obligations being the ones you have mentioned before about writing and artistry. The self generated type.

You have no obligations to us. You will write or not. But either way you should do what makes you happy. And i mean that like you would mean it to anyone generally.

Anyway I can be finished with being way too happy to read you at any time now, right? I'll choose now and let it rest with thanks for the note.

peace at ya~