Monday, March 19, 2012

The Ballad of the Long Distance Lover

You would think I would be good at this by now.

And in some ways, I am good at this. I know the secret corners to plug in my laptop. I know where to get Chinese food at O’Hare when I’m craving even the most greasy of vegetables and how long of a stopover I need to be able to walk there. I know which airports have the kinder customs officials, the ones who don’t balk or excessively when I explain that my fiancé does live in another country and, yes, I am still returning to Canada in two days time. I know which airports have free wireless and which travel websites have the best deals. And I’ve stopped caring who notices me crying as my rolling suitcase echoes behind me.

So after seven times, you’d think I’d have figured out how to say goodbye.

I always tell myself I’m going to be more graceful, more contained. I’ll maybe let a well-intentioned tear or two trickle out, but I will not let out body shaking sobs and have mascara collecting in all the creases in my face. I will be able to walk through the revolving doors, only looking over my shoulder to wave, rather than always needing to turn around, dash back, and bury my face in his neck one more time. I will not loathe the couples sitting near me, contently holding each other’s hands, who don’t understand how effortless their relationship seems to me. I won’t always wake up the morning before he or I leave feeling as though I have been kicked in the stomach. I won’t keep on doing mental arithmetic, counting how many hours, minutes we have left until another goodbye.

But I always do.

I think the mind can’t handle this level of aching every day, this dullness behind the eyes. It covers it up quickly in details like what time to set the alarm, what to make for dinner, what shoes are best for the weather outside, when this report is due. The details, though tedious, are soothing, in that they take you away from the rawness of your own mind. It is as though the only way you can handle being away from the person you love is for you to forget how hard it is when they aren’t there. It is only when you see them again that you realize how barren these days full of details actually are.

It's the night you can roll over and touch him that you realize how empty your bed has been.

15 comments:

Arielle said...

Sorry you're going through that. =( I hope you guys end up in the same country (to start with) sometime in the near future. Nice to have you back in the blog world, though. =)

Christine said...

Long distance relationships are definitely not easy. I don't envy what you and your fiance have to go through right now, but relish in the fact that one day, he will be next to you every night when you go to bed and when you wake up in the morning. The sacrifices you're making now are leading you to a fruitful future together. Hang in there :)

Brett said...

Good to have you back, happy 30th (bit late sorry) I've never done the long distance love thing but I can see how hard it must be, keep strong.

Laura Nunez from here to pluto said...

No matter what.. dont lose focus of what you want and need to me you happy.

Sofie said...

I am in the same situation... it is very difficult. I can't even imagine how wonderful it will feel when we no longer have to go through that heartbreaking situation of having to say goodbye.
I wish I had some advice for you, or some words of comfort, but it honestly is hard, and I just want to give you a hug.

Princess Extraordinaire said...

So sorry you've been hurting. I've done the LDL thing and it's very hard....if you ever need to chat let me know xoxox

Shilo said...

Eltaoo: Będąc łodzią w dłoniach wszechświata żegluj ostrożnie mocno trzymając ster kierując się na jedyny cel: życie.

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yourprgirl said...

Hiya! I love your blog.. you remind me of me, when I'm medicated. :) I swear I'm not a nerd, but my D&D Group begs to differ... >.>

plx shoot me an email when you can. I would love to maybe send you some books / movies / games for people I do PR for. :) yourprgirlmusic@gmail.com // yourprgirl.com

And don't sweat not being graceful -- it's one of our so weird it's cute qualities. ;)

Jess -- The PR Girl

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eric1313 said...

Hope you are well, if not happy, Princess.

lissa bliss said...

Hi, Princess! Miss you :)