Wednesday, January 24, 2007

A Selection of Products from Sky Mall and Other Airline Observations

So, here I am, sitting on an airplane on my way to my connecting flight to Minneapolis. I wasn’t fortunate enough to get a seat with anyone I’m traveling with, and flying over what I assume is Montana is not terribly interesting. I’ve also taken in all the “hot new sex tips” from Cosmo that I can reasonably endure (surprise your man at the door wearing lingerie?!?! What a novel concept! What will you think of next, Cosmo?).

What’s a girl to do? The best option, of course, would be to pull out the several hundred pages of readings I’ve stowed on my carry-on luggage. But, I’m writing off that idea, or at least delaying it a little longer, as I’m headed for a weekend chock full of learning. Instead, this being my first flight with my lovely new Macbook, I put on my iPod, and set myself to looking like I was working on something incredibly important, when in truth I am just putting into writing those observations I would say to my co-travellers if they were sitting beside me (as they stared unblinkingly out the window in a shameless attempt to get me to shut up, I’m sure!).

Observation #1 - The Sky Mall catalogue is pretty much the most entertaining thing ever. Not to mention its oh-so-catchy punchline: “Sky Mall… cool stuff.”

It frightens me to think of the people in first class thumbing through it, credit card in hand, pondering whether to purchase The Ball-Returnable Portable Driving Range ($299.95), The Swimmer’s Ear-Eliminator ($99.95, with a handy travel case for only $34.95!), The Best (that’s right, Best!) Electronic Pant Pressor (imagine if your finger got stuck in that one- $479.95), The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker (it works like a toaster for your hot dog and buns- $49.95- I worry about anyone that eats enough hot dogs to warrant purchasing a device dedicate solely to their cooking), the Rat Zapper Ultra ($49.99- it “humanely exterminates” throng a “quick, deadly shock”), and the DermaSeptic (which, for $99.95, uses a “microprocessor-controlled electronic anti-septic device to painlessly deliver natural silver ions directly to the infected tissue”- so very scienc-y!).

The ultimate product, however… The Breakfix Automatic Cereal Dispenser. For only $79.99, “fixing the first meal will never again be a messy, time consuming chore”. Plus, “controlled portions also help to keep pounds off”—all at the push of a button! Thank God! Not having to struggle with those confusing cereal boxes, with all their tabs, and the immense levels of coordination needed to pour the size of portion I want—this product will make my hectic life than much more manageable. Plus, I am under the authority to let you know that “the kids will love it!”

I’m pretty sure my seatmate thinks I’m crazy for intermittently typing and thumbing through the Sky Mall catalogue. That and my intermittent giggling.
“Free Copy- Yours to Keep” – don’t mind if I do!

Observation #2 - If Washington State is to be taken as representative of America as a whole (which is a questionable generalization, I’m sure), my neighbours to the South certainly are fond of Denny’s. At nearly every exit, a sign proudly proclaims its proximity. This frightens me a little, as the only time I ever see Denny’s as a good idea is when I’ve been drinking. And one should certainly not be navigating highway exits when drunk.

Observation #3 - If there is a baby on a flight, they will cry. Loud.

Observation #4 - Airline security workers are possibly the most grumpy class of people ever.

Observation #5 - Tim Horton’s breakfast sandwiches kick Egg McMuffin’s asses, hands down. Yummmmmm.

Observation #6 - What the hell is Forest Whitaker doing as one of Cosmo’s Fun Fearless Males of 2006? How can a man who is nominated for an Oscar be comfortable playing second fiddle to Nick Lachey? Why didn’t they ask him to fill out the silly little questionnaire about whether he would rather sleep with Angelina or Halle, and whether he wore boxers or briefs? And why on earth did he direct First Daughter, starring none other than Katie Holmes?


Ant said...

Those Sky Mall products are, well I would say priceless, but that definitely seems to not be the case...

Why do we want to eliminate our ears again?

And I could have used that Rat Zapper for my dustbin recently...

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Okay, you've inspired a post in hox sex tips for girls...

Princess Pointful said...

Ant... swimmers need to remove their ears for the same reason they wax off their body hair and wearing speedos- it cuts down any friction in the water and helps them swim faster!
On our next birthday, maybe I'll get you a rat zapper!

Ultra- I am excited to have inspired that masterful piece of art. I'm glad to know that my innard lingerie is not out of fashion after all!

eric1313 said...

Great observations--especially the way Murphy's law affects babies on airplanes. And restaurants. And libraries. (etc.)

You talk incesantly too, ehhh? The thing about your neighbors on the plane staring away, out the window to get you to quiet--I hate saying shut up to anyone--gave it away.

That's why you write so good! My friend Michelle said on the first day of comp, not even when I was in her creative writing class yet, "If you like to talk a lot, you'll be a good writer. That's how it works--communication"