Melancholy is such a pretty word for something so ugly
Gah.
I am in a downright funk today. It really makes no sense, after the lovely evening I had last night.
I just can't seem to fight this ongoing feeling that I really don't want to be doing this anymore. I miss the days where what I learned excited me. I miss the constant sense of undying motivation that everyone used to be in awe of.
I just want to get through this semester with the least effort possible to obtain my necessary good grades and nothing else. No volunteering. No manuscripts. No reviews. No extra seminars. Of course, I am still doing most of these things out of a sense of obligation. But I'm also learning to procrastinate, too, which is seriously something I've never done before.
I don't know. I'm sure I'm just catatrophizing this whole thing and holding myself to some weird ridiculous standards-- in reality, I am probably just at the same level of motivation as the rest of the world. It's just so foreign to me and scary. I've always held myself as so lucky to have this passion and drive for what I do, and I'm not used to it going into hiding.
I find myself jealous of those who are just told what to do in their jobs. It seems like so much less responsibility. Just 9 to 5 of following directions, with your time off being totally free, rather than this constant crossing over of personal and professional. There is really no such thing are true free time in grad school, it seems. I have an article half read sitting on my lap right now, and usually carry one around in my purse. If I decide I am allowed to watch TV, I read articles in the commercials.
Even worse is the fact that I used to be able to categorize my time. So weekend days would be all work, so that weekend nights could be all fun. But now I can't focus for hours like I used to, meaning that rather than my time being split into work and play, its all blending together... such that I can't get totally work-free play time because I haven't done play-free work time.
I just have to keep plugging away and hope that this, too, shall pass, I guess.
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3 comments:
Embrace it.
The day I realised that I had a 3-year contract of work, with only a single paragraph outlining what it was I had to do, I put my little finger up to my mouth, muttered something about "a meeellliion dollars", and began drawing up plans for world domination. Then I bunked off at 3pm - because I could.
The world is your oyster.
I really do think I need to embrace it. I really need to get more comfortable with not having my world perfectly overcontrolled and well-planned... definitely an issue for me.
I think you should scan your notes on world domination into your blog. I have a feeling they would be rather intriguing.
We could all use notes on world domination. Did Ant ever share them with the world?
I once felt like I couldn't write anymore, didn't want to, nor come up with anything original ever again. I convinced myself of it, through fear of losing creative ability I actuated it.
What saved me was getting a hold of Michelle, my lovely friend. She convinced me to take a look at her blog--I despised internet culture before that, thanks to myspace and the perverts out there!. I did, and started writing a couple poems, some stories, reading more. Then I started my blog with a bank of material to help shore me up just in case.
Now, since, April, when I really started writing again, I've written 250+ poems! That's craziness! I have enough material to post for months even if I were to stop writing. But between this last Thursday and tonight, I've written 22 poems and short little prose pieces!
It comes and it goes. Glad you are doing fine now. February, I was at my lowest point ever. Seems like it wasn't very good for you. But look at what you can do. It's amazing. I'm glad to know you, even in this ethereal net way. It's the best, to know another's mind and heart, and not the crude mater of our bodies.
Hahaha! I sound like Yoda from Star Wars. But it's true, "luminous beings are we, not this crude matter". Bet ya dollars to donuts the line was stolen from Buddhism, anyway. George Lucas is creatively bankrupt.
Well, your post tonight was fantastic. It reminded me of myself, too, actually. I'm sure there's a little bit of that in all of us. Even you. The post spoke that much to me, as well.
Thanks for your compliment on my prose at my blog, too. Your encouragement goes a long way.
Funny, that I flipped back to February, clicked the slider and pulled down and stopped right on the post. Very Poignant.
I'll read a little more, then go to bed. Your writing is excellent.
Peace.
(Yeah, it was only fifteen, twenty minutes to type this. You bloggers have really got me going. I had no idea I could flow this easy. Maybe that's what Michelle saw in me when she asked me to think about creative writing only a couple weeks into comp 1)
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