Thursday, July 12, 2007

Further Adventures in Flying

Boredom sets in rather quickly when one is trapped on an airplane, doesn’t it? It’s odd how you could be perfectly happy reading magazines and listening to music on your couch for hours—but the second it becomes forced upon you, the idea of sitting in a confined space entertaining yourself becomes a bit less bearable. Even less so when stuck in the aisle seat.

As such, it an attempt to thwart this boredom, I’m continuing the tradition started on my last flight, which is pre-blogging before I get back online. And, what better thing to start off a blog than more reflections on the ridiculousness that is Skymall?

Item #1: With Harry Potter mania gripping the nation, what better way to impress your friend than with a replica of Lucius Malfoy’s Walking Stick? Surprise your friends by removing the cane’s serpent head to reveal a secret wand!

Item #2- iCans! Okay, these aren’t that amazing or innovative—just a different type of earphone. I’m just really immature and thought that the name iCans was way too funny. Please tell me someone else agrees. (Okay, so I also giggle whenever a basketball announcer says that someone penetrated the zone)

Item #3- Visiball Golf Ball Finder- I would almost purchase this for the sheer wittiness of the name. However, for those avid golfers among you: “Stop wasting your time and money looking for your wayward golfballs. Instead, slip on patented VisiballTM glasses that block our 99% of dark colors so that the light reflected off a white golfball is emphasized, allowing a “lost” ball to stand out!”

Item #4- The Flying Alarm Clock- Your alarm will not only go off in the morning- but the sounder will launch into the air and hover until you get up to return it to its base.
I picture many entertaining slapstick moments with this one.

Item #5- The “Keep Your Distance” Bug Vacuum. This can suck insect (and spiders!) from 2 feet away into a one way valve down to an electric grid that zaps the unfortunately suctioned creatures.

Item #6- The Voice Recognition Grocery List Organizer- It has over 2500 words in its memory (even swordfish!), and can create an alphabetic list of the various groceries you may have said to it over the weeks prior. Thank God, because writing a list and sticking it on the fridge was so tedious. And this way I don’t need to remember how to spell asparagus.

Item #7- The Children’s ATM bank- This is not the Fisher Price cash register with plastic coins of my youth. This thing actually requires an ATM card, PIN number, and can store up to $999! It helps Junior prepare for his first Visa card.

Item #8- Tired of having to carry your Jagermeister all the way from the freezer before your pour shots? The Lil’ Chill Shot Machine will solve that problem!

Item #9- The Hollywood Cookie Diet. Seriously.
I can see it... “I thought the idea of dieting on a peanut butter, chocolate chips, butter, and sugar sounded ridiculous. But when I saw the word “Hollywood” before it, my opinion changed!”

I’m beginning to wonder if excessive wealth may be a more dangerous affliction than we realized.

***

Now that we are in the era of budget flying (aka no free meals anymore—not that it is a tremendous loss), does anyone else feel the need to stock up on every free thing the airline offers? I will take another can of juice every time it is offered- even if I am feeling completely oversaturated. Thankfully, I am close to the bathroom…

Which brings me to another point- how do people seriously enter the mile high club these days? Maybe it is because I am so poor at yoga that I can’t even picture the contortions necessary to execute such a maneuver in those tiny bathrooms. Besides, odors of ammonia and artificial sweetness permeate those cubicles tend not to serve as much of an aphrodisiac for me.

And I am a bad person for resenting people who sit in first class? It just seems like such a silly ostentatious display of wealth for a flight that isn’t even four hours long. Sure, if you are going overseas, I can understand the benefit— but I really doubt that it is worth several extra hundred dollars to have an extra comfy napping place. Besides, with that extra money, they could order a Malfoy walking stick, a whole bunch of Hollywood diet cookies, and Visiball glasses for all their friends!

***

As I mentioned in my previous flying post, my guilty pleasure on flights is buying a Cosmopolitan magazine. Although, really, it is turning more into a habit than much of a pleasure (OMG! Julia Stiles is so un-Hollywood and kind! OMG! That bracelet is a steal for $123! OMG! Send your boyfriend a frisky text message telling him what you are going to do to him when they get home!).

One frightening thing recommended in Cosmo this month: Wrapping a shoelace around your boyfriend’s, um, friend, and tugging it from side to side.
A shoelace???
I seriously can think of nothing less sexy than that. Except maybe if it was the waistband of an old jock strap.

Other random thing found in Cosmo: An article about how to spice up your sex life actually cites a study by a colleague of my supervisor. I am actually excited to hear my supervisor’s reaction to the fact that this extremely well cited social psychologist was cited in “Make Sex More Erotic”.

***

Today was near disastrous for me. I took a shuttle down to the States to save some money on flights. Being the over-cautious Princess that I am, I made sure that I gave myself plenty of time (2.5 hours) from the scheduled arrival of my shuttle and my flight leaving. However, what I didn’t count on was the bus driver forgetting her clipboard at a gas station and having to backtrack, having to go through a rather thorough customs process at the border crossing (apparently you have to go through formal procedures if you are on a bus, though you don’t have to if you are just driving through… odd), and absolutely horrendous traffic in Seattle. It really is a sickening feeling to be stuck in standstill traffic, knowing that you were supposed to be at the airport an hour ago, and remembering the one hour wait to get through security last time you were at the airport. I know the fact that it was out of my hands should have been enough to stop me from getting too stressed out, but my lack of control actually made it feel that much worse. I was literally gritting my teeth each time we failed to get through another green light.

Thankfully, as is probably obvious by this point, the line at security was near non-existent when we finally arrived, and I was able to get on my flight. The only thing I didn’t manage to do was get all my money exchanged. It might actually be funny to see what Texans do when I hand them our “Monopoly money” currency.

***

I am beginning to think that the notion of a Freudian slip can be generalized beyond verbal slip-ups into the realm of behaviour.

Prime example: The Duke and I are chatting over coffee about perceived betrayals. He is handling a creamer and saying “Imagine if you and I were just friends, and I slept with your sister…”. Just then, he squeezes the creamer a little too hard, and any extremely suggestive spray of white liquid came shooting out.

I’m a little pissed off at his unconscious for that one.

***

Edit: I am now in the lobby of my hostel. Two observations about Austin so far- #1- It's very, very hot. #2- Even their McDonald's have wireless access!

15 comments:

mist1 said...

I am so good on an airplane. Yesterday, I think I really entertained the airport staff when they had to pat me down twice for the same flight. It was hilarious for all parties involved. Seriously.

Indiana James said...

I've found that the later you are, the better your chances of skipping any and all lines. Worked like a charm when I arrived to the airport with just over 30 mins before my flight from Helsinki to Amsterdam took off.

Oh and the shoestring around the little best friend... I hope I am never ever presented with that situation. Cosmo...

Have a great time down there.

Dorky Dad said...

You do realize that the stuff on Skymall will come to Target next week, don't you?

And I think that Mile High Club business is just silly. Nobody's ever asked me to join.

Jocelyn said...

Very fun musings. I'm all over every free thing the airline gives out, too.

And the shoelace thing? Bwah?

Ant said...

iCans - bwahahaha! Penetrating the zone, stoppit please! I can tell it's hot in Texas - every item on that post has a strong sexual theme to it... :o)

Sounds like SkyMail is a cracking read though... I'm tied into KLM airlines these days so the boring Holland Herald is all my reading material on flights - lots of tulips and clogs and shit.

I find flirting with air hostesses is the best way to pass the time...

Airam said...

The mile high club is a club I won't sooner join. I don't know the big deal anyway??

Ohhhh I had sex in a bathroom on an airplane! I mean come on! There are seats RIGHT outside the bathroom! No one needs to hear that shit!

Beth said...

Your mind - and insightful observations - never stop!
This post had me laughing out loud.

Yoda said...

As a frequent traveler, I have pretty much all of Skymall memorized!! Its amazing the ideas (the sheer stupidity of some!).

I'm not letting anyone tie a shoelace around my private parts, no thank you! I will lose my kinkipoints, but so be it! No shoelace is gonna see my, um!! LOL!

I nearly spit out my cereal (and milk) after I read about your BFs Freudian slip!!

Tonya said...

I'll see your short flight to Austin and raise you one trip to Russia. I leave tomorrow. So far suggestions have ranged from bring your own food, to bring your own toilet paper. I've brought less shit on camping trips. this is going to be interesting.

All Mod Cons said...

I really really want a flying alarm clock. Oh the wonders of modern technology!

eric313 said...

That heat is the clincher. Nothing like it. I wear glasses, so I always fogged up, say, after a movie or some other air conditioned place.

Swimming pools. That's key, hope you have one handy. Careful and don't burn through the strongest sunblock, it can and does happen if not super frequently applied. Northern sun is truly pale by comparison.

And the bug vac sounds like a wonderful Christmas gift for my mom. She used to wake me up super early just to get a spider with a paper towel and toss them outside (she'll live with zapping capability, she just hates poison).

cinemec said...

oh crap. good thing the shoes had laces and not velcro.. yeesh!
I think first class should be split into those that had the flight paid for them and those that paid that much more for a few extra inches of legroom for 3 hours. You should be allowed to throw eggs at the former. For the latter they will be hard boiled.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

That walking stick sounds really good.

Ack!

I fell for Skymall!

Damn.

Eve said...

When you find the bug vacuum, I want one! Funny list.

Crashdummie said...

dudette, your mind seems to be a scary place to be in - like mine where confusion is dominating!

Nice insight though, and alot of valid thoughs...

Harry Potter, the mile high club, can squirt... put togheter they all sound nasty!