Further Adventures in Flying

Boredom sets in rather quickly when one is trapped on an airplane, doesn’t it? It’s odd how you could be perfectly happy reading magazines and listening to music on your couch for hours—but the second it becomes forced upon you, the idea of sitting in a confined space entertaining yourself becomes a bit less bearable. Even less so when stuck in the aisle seat.

As such, it an attempt to thwart this boredom, I’m continuing the tradition started on my last flight, which is pre-blogging before I get back online. And, what better thing to start off a blog than more reflections on the ridiculousness that is Skymall?

Item #1: With Harry Potter mania gripping the nation, what better way to impress your friend than with a replica of Lucius Malfoy’s Walking Stick? Surprise your friends by removing the cane’s serpent head to reveal a secret wand!

Item #2- iCans! Okay, these aren’t that amazing or innovative—just a different type of earphone. I’m just really immature and thought that the name iCans was way too funny. Please tell me someone else agrees. (Okay, so I also giggle whenever a basketball announcer says that someone penetrated the zone)

Item #3- Visiball Golf Ball Finder- I would almost purchase this for the sheer wittiness of the name. However, for those avid golfers among you: “Stop wasting your time and money looking for your wayward golfballs. Instead, slip on patented VisiballTM glasses that block our 99% of dark colors so that the light reflected off a white golfball is emphasized, allowing a “lost” ball to stand out!”

Item #4- The Flying Alarm Clock- Your alarm will not only go off in the morning- but the sounder will launch into the air and hover until you get up to return it to its base.
I picture many entertaining slapstick moments with this one.

Item #5- The “Keep Your Distance” Bug Vacuum. This can suck insect (and spiders!) from 2 feet away into a one way valve down to an electric grid that zaps the unfortunately suctioned creatures.

Item #6- The Voice Recognition Grocery List Organizer- It has over 2500 words in its memory (even swordfish!), and can create an alphabetic list of the various groceries you may have said to it over the weeks prior. Thank God, because writing a list and sticking it on the fridge was so tedious. And this way I don’t need to remember how to spell asparagus.

Item #7- The Children’s ATM bank- This is not the Fisher Price cash register with plastic coins of my youth. This thing actually requires an ATM card, PIN number, and can store up to $999! It helps Junior prepare for his first Visa card.

Item #8- Tired of having to carry your Jagermeister all the way from the freezer before your pour shots? The Lil’ Chill Shot Machine will solve that problem!

Item #9- The Hollywood Cookie Diet. Seriously.
I can see it... “I thought the idea of dieting on a peanut butter, chocolate chips, butter, and sugar sounded ridiculous. But when I saw the word “Hollywood” before it, my opinion changed!”

I’m beginning to wonder if excessive wealth may be a more dangerous affliction than we realized.

***

Now that we are in the era of budget flying (aka no free meals anymore—not that it is a tremendous loss), does anyone else feel the need to stock up on every free thing the airline offers? I will take another can of juice every time it is offered- even if I am feeling completely oversaturated. Thankfully, I am close to the bathroom…

Which brings me to another point- how do people seriously enter the mile high club these days? Maybe it is because I am so poor at yoga that I can’t even picture the contortions necessary to execute such a maneuver in those tiny bathrooms. Besides, odors of ammonia and artificial sweetness permeate those cubicles tend not to serve as much of an aphrodisiac for me.

And I am a bad person for resenting people who sit in first class? It just seems like such a silly ostentatious display of wealth for a flight that isn’t even four hours long. Sure, if you are going overseas, I can understand the benefit— but I really doubt that it is worth several extra hundred dollars to have an extra comfy napping place. Besides, with that extra money, they could order a Malfoy walking stick, a whole bunch of Hollywood diet cookies, and Visiball glasses for all their friends!

***

As I mentioned in my previous flying post, my guilty pleasure on flights is buying a Cosmopolitan magazine. Although, really, it is turning more into a habit than much of a pleasure (OMG! Julia Stiles is so un-Hollywood and kind! OMG! That bracelet is a steal for $123! OMG! Send your boyfriend a frisky text message telling him what you are going to do to him when they get home!).

One frightening thing recommended in Cosmo this month: Wrapping a shoelace around your boyfriend’s, um, friend, and tugging it from side to side.
A shoelace???
I seriously can think of nothing less sexy than that. Except maybe if it was the waistband of an old jock strap.

Other random thing found in Cosmo: An article about how to spice up your sex life actually cites a study by a colleague of my supervisor. I am actually excited to hear my supervisor’s reaction to the fact that this extremely well cited social psychologist was cited in “Make Sex More Erotic”.

***

Today was near disastrous for me. I took a shuttle down to the States to save some money on flights. Being the over-cautious Princess that I am, I made sure that I gave myself plenty of time (2.5 hours) from the scheduled arrival of my shuttle and my flight leaving. However, what I didn’t count on was the bus driver forgetting her clipboard at a gas station and having to backtrack, having to go through a rather thorough customs process at the border crossing (apparently you have to go through formal procedures if you are on a bus, though you don’t have to if you are just driving through… odd), and absolutely horrendous traffic in Seattle. It really is a sickening feeling to be stuck in standstill traffic, knowing that you were supposed to be at the airport an hour ago, and remembering the one hour wait to get through security last time you were at the airport. I know the fact that it was out of my hands should have been enough to stop me from getting too stressed out, but my lack of control actually made it feel that much worse. I was literally gritting my teeth each time we failed to get through another green light.

Thankfully, as is probably obvious by this point, the line at security was near non-existent when we finally arrived, and I was able to get on my flight. The only thing I didn’t manage to do was get all my money exchanged. It might actually be funny to see what Texans do when I hand them our “Monopoly money” currency.

***

I am beginning to think that the notion of a Freudian slip can be generalized beyond verbal slip-ups into the realm of behaviour.

Prime example: The Duke and I are chatting over coffee about perceived betrayals. He is handling a creamer and saying “Imagine if you and I were just friends, and I slept with your sister…”. Just then, he squeezes the creamer a little too hard, and any extremely suggestive spray of white liquid came shooting out.

I’m a little pissed off at his unconscious for that one.

***

Edit: I am now in the lobby of my hostel. Two observations about Austin so far- #1- It's very, very hot. #2- Even their McDonald's have wireless access!