Ugly animal pageant!

One consequence of being an utter documentary geek is being exposed to a number of rather hideous beasts. After watching a show that consisted of numerous gelatinous walruses flailing about, I began pondering the various ugly animals out there, and how unloved they must feel in contrast to all the snuggly puppies and sleek cheetahs.

So why don't you do your part, and vote in the 1st Annual Hijinks Galore Ugly Animal Pangeant, and make one of these unfortunate little critters king or queen for a day!

Contender #1- The Hyena

Creepy cackles. Matted hair. Sharp teeth. Scavenging tendencies. A diet for carrion. Not to mention inverted anal glands. How hideous is this guy?

Contender #2- The Elephant Seal

It takes a special something to uglify the typical adorable face of a seal. An enormous snout is just that special something. It also helps make the males of the species sound particularly boisterous. Even more of a testament to their repulsiveness is the fact that the male's schnozz is so big in order reabsorb moisture, as during the mating season these lumps never leave the beach to feed.

Contender #3- The Warthog

Contrary to what you might expect from a warty creature who could use a toothbrush and a comb, and spends a wee bit too much time wallowing in the mud, these guys have impressive jumping skills... and a prosmiscuous mating system.

Contender #4- Goblin Shark

Thought I was neglecting our undersea friends? Don't you worry- the goblin shark can hold his own in this competition. He also does a good job at holding onto his liver-- which may inexplicably make up 25% of its body weight! Maybe he has a particular fondness for the sauce? He could certainly use his nose to pry open a few bottles!

Contender #5- Muscovy Duck

I also have not forgotten about our avian friends... particularly, the Muscovy Duck, whose faces unfortunately resemble raw hamburger. Sadly enough, the apparent tumours on their faces are not enough to keep people from dining on them, with one company advertising them as the finest duck available!

Contender #6- Matamata turtle

I'm not entirely sure how this massive skull even allows this critter to move. It is perhaps telling that it tends to merely fit at the bottom of a shallow body of water, extend its nose up like a snorkle to breathe, and captures fish through the power of suction.
Residents of Venezuela, who have perhaps caught onto this pageant, also call them "la fea", meaning the ugly one.

Contender #7- Frogfish

Fitting with their curmedgeonly appearance, these grumpy guys have a wee little lure that protrudes from between their eyes designed to best catch prey (you can't see it well in that photo, but I was intent on showing a full shot of his mug, rather than just a specific curiosity)

Contender #8- Proboscis monkey

I know it may seem as though, looking at the above contenders, that being a champ at this pageant is as simple as having an enormous nose.
I don't necessarily disagree.
However, there is more to this primate than its more obvious traits... like its stupendous swimming abilities. Proboscis monkeys have been found swimming over a mile away from shore!

Contender #9- Marabou Stork

It probably doesn't help the Marabou Stork's case that not only does it look like it has survived a massive blaze, but it also has adapted so few head feathers to best avoid flesh getting caught in its plumage when delving into corpses. Oh, and it is known for defecating on its own legs.


Contender #10- Naked Mole Rat

Last, but certainly not least, is the naked mole rat. These are indeed super rodents, who can move as quickly backwards as they can forwards, and actually, due to the absence of a neurotransmitter, actually feel no physical pain. Although they likely experience a great deal of psychological pain when they look in the mirror.

So, ladies and gents, those are your contenders! You have a week to get your votes in! And I certainly hope to have a better voter turn-out that my last animal pageant...
That's right-- I'm guilt-tripping you!


PS. Special thanks to my new fav website, Ugly Overload, for some material. I promise you the pageant and some of the contenders came straight from my brain... but I got a little help from them, otherwise there would have been hairless cats instead of naked mole rats!