Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I Be Skymallin'

(written while in the air very early yesterday morning)

Yes, yes, y’all, it’s that time again.

Okay, truthfully, I was enjoying United’s exciting inflight entertainment… but then an E! True Hollywood Story on Donald Trump came on. Considering Mr. Trump is Number Three on my Most Hated Persons EVER List (secondary to only Shaq and Dr. Phil), I decided that an amusing look into the life of those with too much disposable income was warranted.

I also like pretending that I may actually be purchasing something by virtue of my careful note taking and furrowed brow whilst flipping through the Skymall catalogue pages. I just like to fraternize with the little people in Economy Class every once in a while.

So what is on the Princess’ Gift List this year?

#1- So you’ve met Jerry Seinfeld and have your own puffy shirt? You are still only secondary to the Seinfeld fan with their very own autographed photo of The Soup Nazi. For only $199, you will have the immortal words “No Soup For You!” inscribed on your very own glossy photo.

The oddest thing is that the Soup Nazi and Don Knotts are the only celebrity autographs in this whole catalogue.
I’m actually planning to hold out for Mr. Belvedere.

#2- For the discerning bird watcher, the bird song identifier pen scanner can play a whopping 206 bird songs (and 10 frog calls!). For a cool $99, never make that embarrassing mistake of mistaking a seagull for a grey-cheeked thrush again.
(Bird watchers can be a pretty fierce bunch.)

#3- Tired of the mess and complications involved in making hotdogs?

The Pop Up Hot Dog cooker prepares both your bun and wiener (heh heh… prepares your wiener... sorry, I can’t help it) with the simple push of a toaster button. You will be the envy of chefs and assorted meats coinnoseurs worldwide!

#4- Even the most staid of couples enjoys a little “cuddle” time every so often. But nothing disrupts the mood like the awkward mattress bump when you push together the twin beds! Thank God for the Create-a-King, which slips along the sides of two twin mattress to create a seamless King-sized bed. Never has once a month been so easy!

#5- You know the problems with blankets? When you go to use your Pop Up Hot Dog cooker on the coffee table or reach to admire your Soup Nazi photo, you have to expose your arms to the cold outside world. This is a problem due to the innovative genius of the Slanket.

Sleeves + blanket = Slanket
Slanket = awesome!

#6- Your “Hang in There” poster not cutting it? Need something a little more inspiring? Successories thankfully has a variety of motivational pieces artwork perfect for right above your desk.
My favourite?
Teamwork: With a clear vision and room to run, the true power of the team is unleashed.
And it has wild horses running together, as a team! OMG! So fitting!

#7- Skymall says it better than I in this one: “A great steak is a work of art and now you can sign your work!”
That’s right… personal branding iron for your steak! Make sure everyone knows whose hard work made that cow so tasty!
Or, for the true fan, NASCAR logos are also available!

#8- If you are like me, and hate the effort involved in using a calendar (let along those smug kitten photos), why not pick up the DayClock?

Never mistake a Monday for a Wednesday again! Plus, it is a great conversation piece.
“Say, it’s Thursday.”
“Yep, the day after Wednesday.”
“You don’t say.”

Thank you, Skymall, for making my plane ride that much more entertaining, and my life that much more convenient. Mr. Trump would be proud.

39 comments:

Tin Ma'am said...

ahaha, I go through skymall too. There are so many things that I do not need or want in that catalog, and I'm always amazed because I know that SOMEWHERE there is someone who has bought it. It's got to sell well enough that skymall is still around, at least.

Dylan said...

oooooh my god. skymall on the way to italy was fantastic. i would like one slanket and that hot dog cooker, please. what a dream come true. who the fuck in their right mind thought those things up? oooh right. very people have right minds these days.

Katelin said...

hahaha i love this. i was just flying this weekend and skymall is always the first thing i go to, i love their ridiculous things.

Jack said...

Hahaha, that is too funny!

Frankly though, I would buy a slanket. Just try and stop me.

Carrie said...

Those Skymall catalogs are really good for plane entertainment. I'm amazed at the random shit that people come up with - and (I assume??) sell.

tmamone said...

Hahaha! This is just like Dave Barry's annual bad gift guide. I might have to get the hot dog toaster, since I can't work a grill. Maybe then Amy and I can have a cookout with our friends!

Rachel said...

I am obsessed with Sky Mall catalogs! I really want to see the house of the person that orders that stuff....

distractedspunk said...

It'd be funnier if I hadn't worked at Brookstone for almost five years.

Given the range of products that Brookstone sells...not much surprises me anymore.

Psych Post Doc said...

HA! That was a great post.

Bayjb said...

Wow there are so many solid gift options to choose from. I'm slightly repulsed by the hot dog cooker (is that safe?) but the real winner for me has to be the slanket. There are too many things I have to say on that and not enough time to type it.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Can you imagine how fun it would be to work for SkyMall?? Omg, I'm off to their corporate website right now...

jenn said...

I've never even HEARD of skymall before. But I may need to track it down, with wonders like that!

(I actually want a slanket though - that's amazing.)

Ant said...

You have to take your hat off to the ingenuity of Skymall - another post about their crazy offerings and it's just as hilarious as the first one.

Laugh down your slanket at them all you like - there are some creative minds at work at Skymall...

EF said...

no way! this list is hilarious!
I almost laughed my urban sombrero off my head and had to retuck my legs ,which became exposed kicking and laughing so hard, back under my planket (pants+ blanket).

Crashdummie said...

Wow, u sure made x-mas shopping easy for me ;)

Kayleigh said...

Ohmygod, is it bad that I kinda (read: really) want the slanket and hot dog cooker thingy? Wow....I'm glad that I don't watch infomercials, because otherwise I'd be broke.

Jenn said...

I know what I'm buying all my blogger friends for Christmas.

WKC said...

Man, some of these things look straight out of Dysfunctional Domesticity 101.

the almost right word said...

honestly, who can resist the "no soup for you" poster?

...you did buy it, right?

Yoda said...

I had my wiener prepared last night and I want it done again tonight!!

rs27 said...

Mr. Belvedere was one of the greatest tv shows ever.

I stand by this statement.

Alexa said...

oh my gosh. these are awesome i was trying to pick out my favorite but they all made me chuckle. but the loudest chuckle came from the slanket!

that is awesome!

Sheila said...

Ooh, the slanket looks all warm and toasty! If I lived someplace cold, I would probably buy one!

Dan Mega said...

#3- pure genius!

Kiley said...

I know where I'm buying myyyy Christmas presents this year!!! ;)

is it bad that i kinda want the hot dog cooker?

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

My favorite is the hotdog cooker. This kind of idiocy reminds me of a little "bit" my husband must have gotten from some dumb movie. When giving a tour of the house for new company, he'll flip a light switch and say, "And lookie here! We's even got that new 'Instant on' lighting!" Funny. Glad you made good use of your time up there.

twentysomethingandclueless said...

LoL, that's awesome. I love the "slanket" (tho they really need to come up with a better name...!) hate cold arms! lol

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

I kind of love the Slanket.
It's stupid, yet totally genius, yet also something I could totally make myself.

benjibopper said...

still not understanding your hatred for poor shaq, but i'm right with you on the phil and trump.

i used to do market analyses for inventors, giving them an idea of their chances of actually selling their products based on the idea. I don't think any of these would have scored a good rating. Shows what I know about the masses.

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

I was going to buy a couple Slankets for my folks, but they already had them!!! I was going to get one for myself, but I ended up with this bamboo throw that is like cashmere...I heart it.

mcgee said...

i want every single one of those things now.

i love skymall. it's the most entertaining part of any flight.

Crushed said...

I like the hotdog cooker...

I have to say, your Most Hated Persons list makes sense, but it does show your North american perspective.

Tony Blair tops mine.

Those seem like crazy prices though, for what are perhaps not essential goods...

Paula said...

Is it wrong that the reason i find the pop up hot dog cooker so appealing is because I haven't had sex in more than four months?? Just a thought . . .

the almost right word said...

yay! i've been added to the blogrool! thanks girl!

Libby said...

hahaha oh my lord that is hilarious. sklanket?! hot dog and weiner toaster?? *shakes head*

poodlegoose said...

First of all, I need that wiener cooker (haha) for all of my wiener needs (haha). Second, I want to make that stupid slanket thing just to see if my mother will wear it.

What interesting 'inventions.'

Doni said...

OMG, I love leafing through the SkyMall magazine! It's one of life's small pleasures.

Misfit said...

Oh man, I want a slanket!

Trina said...

I want that day clock, personally: half surreal, half useful. I'm always forgetting what day it is.