I Be Skymallin'

(written while in the air very early yesterday morning)

Yes, yes, y’all, it’s that time again.

Okay, truthfully, I was enjoying United’s exciting inflight entertainment… but then an E! True Hollywood Story on Donald Trump came on. Considering Mr. Trump is Number Three on my Most Hated Persons EVER List (secondary to only Shaq and Dr. Phil), I decided that an amusing look into the life of those with too much disposable income was warranted.

I also like pretending that I may actually be purchasing something by virtue of my careful note taking and furrowed brow whilst flipping through the Skymall catalogue pages. I just like to fraternize with the little people in Economy Class every once in a while.

So what is on the Princess’ Gift List this year?

#1- So you’ve met Jerry Seinfeld and have your own puffy shirt? You are still only secondary to the Seinfeld fan with their very own autographed photo of The Soup Nazi. For only $199, you will have the immortal words “No Soup For You!” inscribed on your very own glossy photo.

The oddest thing is that the Soup Nazi and Don Knotts are the only celebrity autographs in this whole catalogue.
I’m actually planning to hold out for Mr. Belvedere.

#2- For the discerning bird watcher, the bird song identifier pen scanner can play a whopping 206 bird songs (and 10 frog calls!). For a cool $99, never make that embarrassing mistake of mistaking a seagull for a grey-cheeked thrush again.

(Bird watchers can be a pretty fierce bunch.)

#3- Tired of the mess and complications involved in making hotdogs?

The Pop Up Hot Dog cooker prepares both your bun and wiener (heh heh… prepares your wiener... sorry, I can’t help it) with the simple push of a toaster button. You will be the envy of chefs and assorted meats coinnoseurs worldwide!

#4- Even the most staid of couples enjoys a little “cuddle” time every so often. But nothing disrupts the mood like the awkward mattress bump when you push together the twin beds! Thank God for the Create-a-King, which slips along the sides of two twin mattress to create a seamless King-sized bed. Never has once a month been so easy!

#5- You know the problems with blankets? When you go to use your Pop Up Hot Dog cooker on the coffee table or reach to admire your Soup Nazi photo, you have to expose your arms to the cold outside world. This is a problem due to the innovative genius of the Slanket.

Sleeves + blanket = Slanket
Slanket = awesome!

#6- Your “Hang in There” poster not cutting it? Need something a little more inspiring? Successories thankfully has a variety of motivational pieces artwork perfect for right above your desk.
My favourite?
Teamwork: With a clear vision and room to run, the true power of the team is unleashed.
And it has wild horses running together, as a team! OMG! So fitting!

#7- Skymall says it better than I in this one: “A great steak is a work of art and now you can sign your work!”
That’s right… personal branding iron for your steak! Make sure everyone knows whose hard work made that cow so tasty!
Or, for the true fan, NASCAR logos are also available!

#8- If you are like me, and hate the effort involved in using a calendar (let along those smug kitten photos), why not pick up the DayClock?

Never mistake a Monday for a Wednesday again! Plus, it is a great conversation piece.
“Say, it’s Thursday.”
“Yep, the day after Wednesday.”
“You don’t say.”

Thank you, Skymall, for making my plane ride that much more entertaining, and my life that much more convenient. Mr. Trump would be proud.