Random thoughts whilst grocery shopping

Sometimes, I quite enjoy grocery shopping. Not the "I just need to pick up a few things" type of grocery shopping, nor the "Sunday afternoon when everyone and their dog is waiting in the deli line-up" grocery shopping, or the "I'm going to try to haul all this crap on the bus so I have to ignore the giant pickled goods sale" type of grocery shopping. I'm talking the random weekday leisurely shopping, wandering down every aisle with buggy room to spare.

And whoever came up with the idea of cup holders in shopping carts? Bloody genius. My caffeine addiction thanks you.

This morning, as I was on my way out the door, I received a call from the person I was scheduled to assess, canceling due to sickness. Suddenly I had a free morning. For me, free time is generally a very exciting concept, and a slew of ideas rushed through my head, including an unscheduled fitness class, getting a head start on a new project (boo), or going to see a matinee of a Korean film about a rebel goat herder's daughter at the film festival. And then I realized there was nothing for breakfast but cereal crumbs or mustard on the heel of a loaf of bread, and decided that a massive shopping trip was likely the most effective use of my time.

I then decided, that in celebration of my three hours of spare time, I was going to go all out on this shopping trip. I would pay the extra five dollars in cab fare home to go to my dream grocery store, the one with guavas and twelve kinds of bulk trail mix and a salad bar, rather than the lame local store with only two kinds of turkey at the deli.

Livin' large, my friends.

Apparently no one goes shopping Wednesday morning, and thus I could saunter down the aisles with leisure, fingers tapping on the handle to non-offensive adult contemporary music, using a mental shopping list that grew each time I discovered a new condiment aisle.

A few thoughts that came to my mind under the blinding fluorescent lights...

• Have any of you ever heard of Grapples before? They look suspiciously like a standard Gala apple, but apparently are grape-flavoured. Despite my curiosity, I didn't purchase any- not because of their likely abundance of carcinogens, but rather because I was unwilling to pay $5 for a 4-pack of anything except pomegranate coolers.

• Swiffers have been primarily invented to convince us that we had been rolling around in our own filth up until their purchase. I can't figure out how they can still fish up so much dirt after I've swept the floor... but my neuroticism insists that I can't stop buying them now.

• Is shopping cart theft really such a universal problem that the wheels need to automatically lock a millimeter off store property? It makes it a real bitch for those of us who need to get our purchases to the cab on the corner.

• Why do some people seem to think that Canadian driving rules switch to European in a grocery store? Keep your cart to the right, people!

• I always want to find a viable excuse to buy frozen hors d'oeuvres. Mini-sausage rolls seem so much tastier than rice.

• Why does the produce spray always attack me specifically?

• This particular store has a super badass and frighteningly dangerous looking bread slicer. I find it strange that I can operate said slicer without much consideration, yet I cannot use the basic sloping tool to slide the bread into the bag. My loaves are always askew.

• The best thing about a massive shopping trip? The kick ass dinner you have that night. The worse thing? Separating and bagging bulk meat.... ewwww, slimy.

• Why, with the whole move towards eliminating paper bags, do cashiers always look so homicidal when I hand them my canvas bags? The environment frowns at you.

• Who buys headcheese??