Today, I am participating in the first ever BlogSecret. Put together by the amazing Nilsa, this involves a group of people writing about their biggest secrets. These are then anonymously distributed. As such, one of the other participants is posting a secret that (unknown to them) belongs to me, and I am posting another blogger's (no idea who!) secret below. Visit Nilsa's site to see a list of all the participating blogs!
I've struggled a bit to come up with something to share on the great Blog Secret. Well, here's what I have. Take it or leave it.
Sometimes I find it hard to relate to some of my friends because I haven't had a lot of the same experiences as them. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect and they're not, it's just that in some respects we are very different.
First of all, I feel like I've got it all (not trying to sound braggy). I have a job I really like. I've found my other half. I have a great family, who I get along with really well. I own my own home. I'm not struggling financially. I consider myself attractive, and so is my guy. I've never really had any weight issues (except I could stand to loose 10-15 pounds and tighten up). I always made good grades. My parents paid for college so I'm not in debt. I'm not in debt at all really...I pay off my credit cards every month. I'm responsible. I'm happy with my life and who I am. I considered myself blessed and lucky.
A lot of my friends aren't quite in this same boat, not that, that bothers me one bit. I don't judge them at all. But it can make it hard to relate. First of all, I've always been confident, except in those awkward middle school/early high school days. But who wasn't uncomfortable then? During those times I was a little unsure of myself - I was gangly, tall and skinny, not to mention clumsy. I had bad hair and hadn't grown into all of my features. Add flat-chested to that list. I used to be so concerned about what others thought of me. Was I cool? Was I pretty? You know the drill. Then one day I just stopped caring. I figured if people didn't like me for who I was or how I looked, then I didn't need them anyway. I was 14. I think that is a fairly young age to find your self-esteem. And I did that, and I am proud that I had the strength to realize something so vital at that point in my life.
As I've grown older, I've had friends who obviously have not had that revelation, and it's hard to watch. People can smell insecurity and they feed on it. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you? It pains me when I see smart, good-looking, funny people beat themselves up for minor imperfections. We all have them. And on that note, I can't relate. I haven't felt like I need to crawl inside myself because I'm not comfortable in my own skin since I was a pre-teen/teenager. I am happy to say that I am not insecure.
A decent amount of my friends' families have gone through divorce, which I know was so hard. Most of them were fairly young at the time that it happened. I couldn't imagine having to try to figure out who you are while your family is crumbling in front of your eyes. I can listen and be sympathetic, but not relate. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. They still love each other and get along well. They are a team and will be till the end, and I can never picture them any other way.
In a financial sense, I'm doing well too. My husband and I make a decent chunk of money for our age. We have money in savings and don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. If we want to go to a nice dinner or buy something expensive, we don't have to feel overly guilty doing it. And we won't have to put it on a credit card to pay it off little by little, month by month. My parents taught me to be financially responsible at an early age. I didn't always get the designer clothes or the coolest gadgets, instead they saved money for me. Upon graduation from college, it became mine. They lectured me on blowing it on useless junk and reminded me what it could do for me in the future. For the most part, I listened. And maybe that's why I'm doing ok now.
I am absolutely no help in relationship land. I've been with my guy for years. I haven't had to date around or look online to find a relationship. I think this is one of the hardest things. I have friends who so desperately want to find the right person and be happy, and when that goes wrong and they are crushed, I feel hypocritical giving advice. What do I know? I've never really been in their situation. I can give them my perspective, but it comes from someone who hasn't been in those shoes. I've had some drama, but I found my person. And it didn't really take me too many tries. From very early on, I knew that we'd be together till we were old and gray, even through the rough patches.
Sometimes I feel guilty, because in my mind I feel like I have it all. What more do I need? Nothing that I can immediately think of. Are there things I want? Sure, but I can make do without them. I have great friends and family, I'm healthy, I'm happy, and I'm secure in my life. Most people I meet like me from the start, and I really don't think I have any enemies. I'm loved and love the people around me. And I will be your friend, through anything, as long as you don't double cross me. Then all bets are off, unless you are extremely regretful. Then I may give you another chance.
Again, I don't want to sound full of myself or better than anyone, but I do have these thoughts sometimes. Then I wonder if any of the people around me ever resent me for these things. I've never spoken these thoughts out loud. And even when other people mention my "perfect life," though it's not, I always try to downplay what they say, so I don't make them sad. Is that wrong?
I am in no way perfect, but maybe I'm just really lucky (knock on wood).