Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning

You ever get the feeling that some people just want to know they still have an effect on you?

So. The Ex.

The long and short of it- we dated for 6+ years. He was a bit of an alcoholic, and I was a bit of a pushover. We pretended that we were going to stay friends after we split up, but it mostly ended up in his new girlfriend stalking me, apologies (with seemingly ulterior motives), and awkward silences. I last saw him around a year and a half ago, and apparently we both, without saying anything, knew that despite there never being a big angry blowout, it was time for us to both stop pretending. And thus, outside of the occasional text message from him every few months, we stopped talking.

It was actually pretty comfortable to stop pretending we had very much to say.

In February, the first call in months. He asks me to be an apartment reference, for he is moving in with his new girlfriend, the one he met a month and a half earlier, who thankfully is his age and doesn't make a hobby out of sending me passive-aggressive emails. I agree out of some sort of obligation I don't even understand, given the fact that he needs me to serve as a reference because his rent cheques always bounced, leaving me to patch things up with our landlord. I never get a call.

After that, a few weird comments on Facebook, that I can only assume occurred when he was drunk, as they are nonsensical and disappear by the next morning. One is about our dead cat.

And then nothing for close to a year. Last month, I noticed that Facebook suggests that he and I should be friends, revealing that he has deleted me. Sure, I had a little righteous indignation swelling up at first, pretending as though I should have been the one with the right to delete him-- after all, he added me!-- but then, relief. For now I don't need to know anything about him, and he doesn't need to know anything about me. I can be finally be really angry, indifferent, whatever, without him popping up randomly every once in a while-- online or in real life, now that we live in different cities.

I realized several days later that for the first time in nearly 10 years, I didn't wish him happy birthday. I didn't even remember it was his birthday.

And, a week after his birthday, a mysterious text message on my phone from a number I don't know. "Hi Princess, just wanted to say a quick hello, hope you are well."

(yes, foreshadowing sucks on this one, but at the time, I was genuinely clueless)

I rack my brain for the origins of this number, and then, feeling somewhat guilty about not recognizing it, text back: "Hi! I feel like a jerk, but I lost a bunch of my numbers, so I have no clue who you are."

I text the Duke about this mystery message, and how awkward it is to have to figure out someone's identity. Without skipping a beat, he writes back: "I bet it's TheEx."

Two seconds later: "Haha, I'm hurt! It's your favourite ex."

Who, now, apparently wants to catch up.
And has tricked me into responding with his new cell phone number that of course I would have no way of knowing.
And knows that, while I may not had responded to his initial message, had I know, I'm pathologically incapable of being even a justifiable asshole, and have to respond once a conversation has been "officially started".
And, the whole time, I'm thinking that to delete me on Facebook and then to want to catch up weeks later is just the kind of hypocrite he is.
And I just play it cool, because I don't want him to know that I noticed in the first place.


Does anyone want to give me some lessons in justifiable assholishness?


Ant said...

Um, yes.

Seriously - you've really gotta kick this guy into touch. It's kind of mad that this is just a propriety thing and not really an emotional hangover. Who gives a shite that you don't return a text message?

And here's a key point of practicality that might spur you into proper action: if you provide him with any kind of semi-official reference whilst being fully aware that his rent cheques bounce, you are totally endangering your own reputation, credit rating, etc. in a real and proper way (i.e. histories of such things can and do find their way back to banks.)

P.T said...

I agree with Ant! Ignore him. Period.

Surfergrrl said...

I agree with the other two. Say, "I wish you the best, but it's in my best interest that we don't stay in touch anymore." No matter how nice you could put it, he will be hurt. But that's not your problem. You need to think about what makes you happy.

And seriously, what is up with people who delete you, then add you back. Weird!

cessie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cessie said...

All the above seconded!

And you really don't even have to think of it as assholishness - you are Nowhere Near being an asshole for not responding to someone who is cynically abusing your sensibilities.
It's likely that he won't be thanking you for your good manners the next time he decides to hurt you .

Just stop giving him the privilege of your attention.

(Argh! Hearing about people abusing the kindness of others makes me MAD!)

a marmalade ricochet said...

thirded. don't let him near you, even dispassionate indifference requires too much energy for this.

Julie said...

Ignore him. What an asshole.

Katelin said...

oh sheesh that is crazy that he deleted you and then randomly texted you especially when you're trying to move on. i say you just ignore whatever texts may come your way, you sound much better without him.

Bayjb said...

Wow that is so random and dickish. I would totally ignore him. I know it's tough to do so and ignore him but you need that break.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I agree with Ant. Just ignore him. I don't really understand why you are considering any other course of action - unless you actually like being a part of this unhealthy cycle. But every time you write about this guy its negative, so I guess not. Knock it on the head.

You could try what I tried with an ex who recently got back in touch after her fiancee broke up with her. She wanted to meet up in a 'non-stalker kind of way'.

In no uncertain terms I made it clear that I had no desire to see her whatsoever, and that any further contact between us would be a bad idea.

The best way to put someone out of their misery is to kick them whilst they are down.

Stop worrying about being an asshole.

Start kicking.

Walter said...

If he means no more to you then you should not be affected by his efforts in reconnecting. I bet he can't get over you so he's creating attention. :-)

Mandy said...

I agree with the other. Ignore him.

Print Brochures said...

If you don't want this person in your life anymore, then maybe you should just ignore him. From the looks of it, you don't want to get back nor be friends with him. So it's better to just not text or call him back.

christine said...

IGNORE. you owe him nothing and need not waste another second on him in my humble opinion.