Helloooooo??? Motivation??

I'm starting to wonder if balance in one's life is something worth even pretending to strive for. It's certainly something I've yet to achieve.

To give you a little perspective, let me take you back in time to late summer and fall 2006. I was in the midst of probably the most stressful few months in my life. I was on a tight, tight deadline to finish off my Masters thesis by December in order to prevent losing a rather nice whack of funding for my PhD, which I was becoming increasingly convinced that I would honestly have to give up. I was working until 3am nearly every single day. I had gotten to the point where I wouldn't even stop typing when I'd have a mini-breakdown-- I would just cry while nonstop running statistics. I had ended a six year relationship with a man I had been convinced for a long time was the one I was genuinely going to spend my life with after coming to some pretty profound realizations that challenged a lot of what I had taken for granted to be the truth. I was as broke as I had ever been, as I suddenly had my bills doubled and had to buy a lot of new furniture. I lived on my friends' couches for about a month, and felt like I was pretty constantly fighting off a variety of sicknesses.

Yet, despite my life seemingly falling apart, I still had motivation. It was almost good to envelop myself completely in something. I felt so proud when people at school were shocked that so much was going wrong in my life, because I was able to pull off the impression that I had everything under control. I somehow defended my thesis without a hitch.
(As a side note, I also had a lot of other good realizations during this time... I discovered that a lot of my friends are truly loyal and amazing folk who will stick by me. I also discovered that sometimes what you have been searching for in the wrong area of your life is just waiting around the corner. Sorry if that sounded ridiculously Hallmark-ey.)

Now, things are arguably working in the opposite direction. I have finally got a regular source of income coming in. I am having a ridiculous amount of fun with my friends. I feel the prettiest I have in ages. I am in the midst of falling head over heals for someone who (as far as I can tell) feels the same and who sees me at a more genuine level than I think my ex ever did. I love living by myself and feeling independent, and will be moving into a new (and memory free!) apartment based on completely selfish motivations and interests soon.

But still.... where has my motivation gone? I find my mind wandering when I try to focus on all the things I should be focusing on. It's like pulling teeth to stay focused more than a few hours. I find myself dreading doing more than the required amount of work. I get a little depressed that after working so hard to get my Masters, nothing in my professional/educational life has changed... I'm still forced to work on just as much. I'm also down that I had no time between finishing that awful semester and starting this new one-- no big shiny reward other than, of course, a wonderful sense of accomplishment *sarcasm intended*
Now, given my ridiculously high levels of expectations for myself, this does need to be put into perspective. I am usually the most self-motivated person ever and I am still getting all my required work done. Just not much more. And, given the demands of this program, that isn't enough. I should be working harder on my manuscripts. I should be trying harder to get more clinical experience. I should be getting things done more in advance. That's why I'm where I'm at now-- because I followed all these shoulds.

I swear I have no internal motivation left. I know that after all that's happened lately, I really deserve a break. Sadly, that isn't in the cards-- and that's just the reality of the situation. It's also sad that I have this lingering sense of guilt when I should really just be enjoying myself.