Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The reasons you don't want me to serve my country

I actually got a flyer in the mail today trying to recruit me to join the Canadian Armed Forces. It doesn't bode well for our country's national security that they are resorting to mass-mailing... particularly when people like me are the recipients.

This got me to think to the many reasons why the Canadian Forces, no matter what the pretty pamphlet said, really does not want me.

1) I'm small.
I'm all of 5 feet 3 inches (okay, 2 and 3/4 inches), and am currently topping the scales at a size 5. I also look around 18 on most days, and have a big dimple in the top corner of my left cheek. Not tremendously intimidating.

2) I'm weak and have little stamina.
"Okay," you say. "I know plenty of small people who are quite powerful." I assure you I am not one of them. I occasionally make it to the gym in three week bouts, but it never lasts much beyond that. I used to struggle to restrain an 11-year old girl I worked with. And I absolutely despise running. I'm really perplexed as to why people do it for fun, and believe "runner's high" to be some well-perpetuated myth by the people at Gatorade and Nike.

3) I'm a pacifist.
Not a big fan of weapons or war, so motivating me may be a little difficult.

4) I'm a coward.
I have the most exagerrated startle reaction ever. Entertaining for friends, but not so adaptive in Afganistan. Plus, did you see those pictures that went around about the giant sand spiders in Iraq? Yeah...no. I also worry excessively about day-to-day life, which may be a little distracting when peering through binoculars waiting for a sign of the enemy.

5) I lack motor skills.
The human brain only has so much capacity, and mine apparently all went into the more academic skills. I cannot carry a full coffee up a mild slope without splashing it in my face, and my friends like to remind me of the time I drove a scooter into a fence. Would you trust me with a tank or defusing a grenade?

6) I'm *almost* a psychologist.
You know that no one else there wants me around!
Feelings are for sissies...

7) I'm emotional and don't take criticism well.
I would seriously break down in tears the first time my drill sargeant called me a name. Then I would go to my bunk and try to figure out how I could work on becoming less of a pukey piece of scum... only to cry even harder when he called me it again.

I love my country, so for her sake, I don't think I'll quit my day job anytime soon.


Ant said...

Ah but they need the small folk to get into all those claustrophobic spider-nests so that they can defuse the bombs using psycho-analysis.

That is why they targeted you...

And you thought it was a crass mass-mailing recruitment drive, tuh!

Jocelyn said...

This is so funny. I also am tempted to print out this post and start my own anti-enlistment mass-mailing with it, in the hopes of convincing a few possible-military types to reconsider. Hee.

DAV said...

On the plus side: If Canada does commit troops to a conflict, it is likely for a genuine reason. Not like WMDs for the US

Beth said...

Oh, yeah, recruitment is up - guess they figure mass mailing can't hurt and might help. More ads on TV too.
From personal (family) experience - I think you're right about the military not targeting the right person when they sent a flyer to you. Basic training is brutal. Remarkably similar to what you see in the movies. Control, control, control...

LMizzle said...

The part about you driving a scooter into a fence made me laugh really hard. Oh man, you are basically my favorite person that I never get to hang out with. I imagine us having many bouts of hijinks and shenanigans starting in August. Oh yes.

An also, so you don't feel bad about the scooter, I was once looking through a balcony screen so close that I forgot the screen was closed and tried to walk outside, only to walk into the screen really hard and almost rip it out of its frame. Glorious.

tonya said...

Canada's version of Private Benjamin.

iFreud said...

OMG, this post made me howl! All points well taken... I think it is safe to say you are as anti-soldieresque as they come. I bet you are stronger than you say though. I wouldn't mess with you...

I was in the middle of creating a horrific powerpoint presentation, and I decided to see what the Princess was up to - glad I did.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Blame Canada!
Blame Canada!

I think I would aspire to be like Donald Sutherland's character in Kelly's Hero's.

He rides around in a tank firing paint at people.

Dorky Dad said...

This is a great list. And I'm pretty much the same exact way. Though I'm a bit bigger. I would probably start crying whenever my drill sergeant got into my face.

Either that or I'd start laughing.

Princess Pointful said...

Ant- I really need to start learning to be more suspicious! Good thing I have you to help me get passed my naivete ;)
Another reason I wouldn't be a good army member- Far too naive and trusting.

Jocelyn- ha! They might just want to join so not to be seen as similar to the likes of me!

Dav- True enough! At least, if I choose to fill out that pamphlet, I won't actually be ending up in Iraq. Thanks for dropping by!

Beth- I'm seriously in awe of the people who go through training. Although my post is obviously a little tongue-in-cheek, I hope it speaks to that fact. How woefully inadequate I would be should clue people in to how driven the people who make it through are!

Lmizzle- Our clumsy antics will change the very face of the city! Seriously, I do have a place in my heart for fellow clumsy people.

Tonya- That's quite a standard to aspire to!

iFreud- Glad you enjoyed!! :)

Ultra- I say we go for coloured mayo. Though it won't stain, the effect will be worth it.

Dorky D- And I would start crying even harder when you started laughing... because I would realize that i was even more of a wimp!

eric1313 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
eric1313 said...

Where to start, where to start...

1--you're not short, you're abbreviated. That dimple really does make you sound so very anti-intimidating! Maybe they needed you to interrogate people without the use of torture, just a smile.

2--I get much more high from thinking of a turn of phrase. That runner's high theory of your explains a lot. Think I'll borrow it sometime.


4--those spiders! I've heard that the soldiers actually shoot them with their m-16 rifles--with three shot bursts. You have to admit, that would motivate you to get over number 3. But I've heard the little buggers still get up and scurry away after being shot! Loved the "yeah... no." line. I laughed pretty good.

5--At least in a tank, you drive over the fence, never into it.

6--You got a point there. You'd be dangerous to have there, from a command perspective. You might convince others that conflict only deepens there own internal hurt.

7--You wouldn't get called a pukey piece of scum. You'd get called a pukey maggot--over and over and over again.

I'm with you. My dream was to become an astronaut. But when I realized they don't let anyone into the space program without military service, the dream died in a puddle of mud on an envisioned obstacle course.

And your writing is hilarious all over, not just one line here and there. You've learned well from the authors you've read.

May I make a leisure reading suggestion? You'd love David Sedaris, anything by him is great. Barrel Fever is his collection of essays and short stories. There's one story in it that towers over the rest: The Santaland Diaries. You'd crack up so much at his tale of working as an elf in a department store Santa display.

'night, Princess. The morning star burns brilliant in anticipation of the sun.

Peace (especially fitting, don't you think?)

eric1313 said...

Hey, I'll be back to read more soon. Dinner: nachos!

But I worte a short story last night, and I'm happy! Check it out, you'll love it.