Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The eagerly anticipated return of Skymall!

A personal note: Yep, still sick. I actually ordered a giant pizza yesterday morning to prevent myself from needing to cook for the day, as I wasn't feeling up to leaving the house. In an attempt to save what little brain power I have and actually get some real work done today, I am resorting to a half-written post from my plane trip.

***

Frequent fliers are all too familiar with the opulent symbol of the wastefulness of the wealthy that is Skymall.

For those of you who aren't familiar... a little background.

For the most of us, our money goes to the necessities (food, rent, utilities, gas, etc). We may even have a little to spare for, say, shoes or electronics.

Then, there are the upper class, who have multiple cars, lounging rooms, pool tables.

And then there are the people who purchase stuff from Skymall-- they've tired so much of the predictability of vehicles and vacation properties that they find it suitable to spend their hard earned cash on such cherished artifacts as cereal dispensers, and don't know what to do but shop when stuck in the same seat for over an hour.

Think of me as an anthropologist of sorts, educating you on the ways of the Skymall.

Product #1
I know how frustrated I get when I have to walk allllll the way from my cubicle to the lounge of my workplace to heat up my noodle bowl, or how aggravating it is to have to leave the couch when I want a hotpocket.

That's why I was thrilled to find out about the iwavecube Personal Microwave. Measuring at less than a foot cube, it will fit on top of my computer tower or on my end table (or in my poolhouse, as recommended in the ad), meaning I will never have to use my feet again!

Product #2
Tired of your children's complaints and seeming inability to do their chores?
Annoyed that your wife won't take your Princess Leia in a golden bikini fetish seriously?
In need of someone who really respects your authority?

The voice-activated R2-D2 will meet all your servant and geek needs!
Responds to over 40 commands, unlike your no good children,  and can even act as a motion detector to stop any no good thieves trying to make off with your personalized microwave.

Product #3
Do you ever have hostile urges to shoot something?
Do you ever wonder what the hell you are going to do with all these marshmallows?

The Marshmallow Gun will solve all your problems! With pump action grip and the ability to hold 20 bullets mini-marshmallows. Plus, dishwasher safe, so you can get rid of the DNA in a hurry!

Product #4
Great, you may think.
Now I can heat up my Hungry-Man dinner, get R2-D2 to play tag with me, and shoot my no-good children with marshmallows... but who will get me a beer?
Why, the Beverage Buggy will! 
This remote control tool will has enough space for two cans of beer.
Now if you could only get your damn wife to put them in the buggy for you.

Product #5
You know what I hate? Going on a vacation, and realizing I forgot my boating shoes. Awwwwk-ward.
Thank God for the Torrent shoe! It's 5 shoes in one, with detachable soles, so you never find yourself with only golfing shoes when you need fishing shoes again.

Product #6
You know what's embarrassing?
Cat crap.
Unfortunately, we haven't been too quick at figuring out how to make them use the toilet just yet.
*cue canned laughter*
However, what you can do is hide it... with a hidden litter box. Your guests will only see a stunning Tuscan handfinished claypot. They'll never know the shame that lies beneath if you turn the entrance to the wall.

Product #7
Books are so passe.
Don't be the last person on you street lugging around a paper version of the Bible to church.
All the hip kids know the solar powered speaking King James Bible is the way to go!

So, remember, folks, when that extra money is burning a hole in your pocket, and the folks at MyFreeImplants have taken out a restraining order against you, don't think charity... think Skymall.

40 comments:

Jess said...

Wait. These products are really for sale? I have never actually looked in the Skymall catalog before. But now I definitely have to.

Arielle said...

Um, there's a gun that shoots marshmallows? I need that in my life. Now.

sequined said...

First, I looove SkyMall.

Second, how much is that microwave thing? Because I, uh, know a guy who wants one.

lspoon said...

I'm off to skymall.com right now b/c I have to see this marshmallow gun. I absolutely adore skymall b/c I always think, 'if I had an extra $100 to spend on something I'll use once and then hide away forever, I would totally buy that!"

ttcmb said...

I love Skymall. They have the craziest products. I would love to meat someone with their own personal microwave or a gun that shoots marshmallows.

distractedspunk said...

Skymall has saved my active boredom on many overdue flights. No lie.

Psychgrad said...

SkyMall...offering products that you never knew you always needed.

fort knocks said...

"get rid of the DNA in a hurry!" haha, hilarious.

A Margarita said...

Hehe, but they're so useful!

;)

PrincessPolly said...

Hehe, this is BRILLIANT! Never heard of skymall, but we probably don't get it round my way! :(

Surfergrrl said...

These products were rejected from "as seen on tv" so they were sent to the minor leagues known as skymall

Ashley said...

do you think i can get the king james bible downloaded onto my iPod?

also, the boating shoes comment made me pee my pants a little.

Who? Me? said...

But...I just ordered the mini microwave thing...

willbraden said...

Skymall is to shopping what the Hummer is to driving: unnecessary, unnerving and unholy.

Anonymous said...

You know what, I don't think that stuff is for wealthy people! They would be embarrassed to own those sorts of things. I think it's for people that get pulled in easily to QVC and gadgets and stuff.

Maxie said...

i am SO the sucker that would buy all of this shit. for serious.

Yoda said...

HEY!

No making fun of R2D2 OK?

I have one of those!

:-p

WKC said...

Maybe they're hoping the high altitude and thin atmosphere will sway people's judgment?

brookem said...

Ha! I love it. I love those Skymall magazines. Such mindless stuff to browse through. The randomness of it all gets me every time!

Feel better!

xo

S'Mat said...

Sometimes I get annoyed at myself for not taking my Jabba's-palace-Leia fetish seriously.

These are wonderful products, if they had better compound names I'd've wagered they were invented by stoners.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I have actually shot stuff before. It's pretty good, as long as the stuff isn't living. I wouldn't do that.

I do know someone who shot a bag of kittens.

EF said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EF said...

The marshmallow shooter- endorsed by the NRA as a safe and effective toy to help teach your children better aim! I laughed so hard when I saw this in one of the Skymalls.
Nothing better than a tasty Smore made by an assassins bullet!

cdp said...

Good morning, I would like to order one R2-D2 and one Beverage Buggy please. Actually, make that two Beverage Buggies. McD needs one too.

This? Was hilarious.

happy heart day, princess. tortious lurves you. xo

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Welcome home! And thank you for thinking of us on your flight; this post is terrific. However, I (not being rich) must confess to making a $24 purchase from Skymall a couple of years ago. It's a Kleenex dispenser that is a sort of "ancient" man's face, and the Kleenex comes out his nose! It's quite the conversation piece around here when new people come over. So, I'm guilty of extravagence, I guess. (Good thing I don't fly very often!)

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

P.S. You can easily make your own marshmallow gun with PVC pipe from Home Depot. I made a bunch for the neices and nephews for Christmas one year; they were a big hit (and VERY cheap!)

t.b.f.love. said...

Hahaha I'm still laughing after reading these - hilarious! However, I must confess that I love to look through the Skymall catalogs - hours of entertainment, right there.

mcgee said...

product #3. all the way.

i feel oddly bereft that i don't have one.

Katana said...

I love rich people. They live such different lives.

lisachelle said...

feel better, princess.

I love skymall, as well. what better way to entertain yourself on a long flight.

notsojenny said...

i didn't read all the comments, so i'm sure someone else has said this, but the marshmallow gun? awesome. i saw these around christmas and suggested them for my man's nephews. no clean up necessary if they use them outside and no one gets hurt. i kinda' want one.

Michelle & the City said...

you are hilarious. i could really use a marshmallow gun right about now :)

Crashdummie said...

here i thought my shopping was getting out of hand... point me to the nearest SkyMall!

Ant said...

Dammit - Blogger has eaten my last comment (again).

Indeed you're funny. :-) However, I've read SkyMall enough times now to know that most of this post probably wrote itself...

Long live crazy consumers - making 10 hour flights tolerable with their shenanigans!

erin said...

I like to look for the most ridiculous items in there. Most recently: a T-Rex statue.

WHY???

Dorky Dad said...

I love Skymall. I love even more the fact that, a month after I first see a product in Skymall, Target comes out with something similar.

Useless crap: It's the American (and Canadian) way.

Sheila said...

Hey, I want a voice activated R2-D2! Yes, I am a geek...

As for product #3 ~ The Marshmallow Shooter ~ We have one in our house. It was purchased as a Christmas present for the 12 year old boy. It is the first and only *toy gun* that has been allowed in our home.

Deutlich said...

aaahahahahahaha. the marshmallow gun? i think that's my favorite.

[and yeah, i really did just laugh like that]

Abbey said...

Having traveled quite a bit in the last two weeks, I can picture every single item you mentioned. On the red-eye back from LA, I seriously considered that cat litter thing. Damn kitty throws his litter all over the floor and I was trying to think of a better alternative. I decided the potted plant would probably not suit my needs though.

Z said...

Oh yes. Skymall. Saw that very same magazine and those very same products on my flights this week, too - and was highly amused by my neighboring passengers comments on said items (they were an older married couple - perhaps in their 70s?) as they pretended to be choosing gifts for each other from the magazine (at least, I think they were pretending...)