The eagerly anticipated return of Skymall!

A personal note: Yep, still sick. I actually ordered a giant pizza yesterday morning to prevent myself from needing to cook for the day, as I wasn't feeling up to leaving the house. In an attempt to save what little brain power I have and actually get some real work done today, I am resorting to a half-written post from my plane trip.

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Frequent fliers are all too familiar with the opulent symbol of the wastefulness of the wealthy that is Skymall.

For those of you who aren't familiar... a little background.

For the most of us, our money goes to the necessities (food, rent, utilities, gas, etc). We may even have a little to spare for, say, shoes or electronics.

Then, there are the upper class, who have multiple cars, lounging rooms, pool tables.

And then there are the people who purchase stuff from Skymall-- they've tired so much of the predictability of vehicles and vacation properties that they find it suitable to spend their hard earned cash on such cherished artifacts as cereal dispensers, and don't know what to do but shop when stuck in the same seat for over an hour.

Think of me as an anthropologist of sorts, educating you on the ways of the Skymall.

Product #1

I know how frustrated I get when I have to walk allllll the way from my cubicle to the lounge of my workplace to heat up my noodle bowl, or how aggravating it is to have to leave the couch when I want a hotpocket.

That's why I was thrilled to find out about the iwavecube Personal Microwave. Measuring at less than a foot cube, it will fit on top of my computer tower or on my end table (or in my poolhouse, as recommended in the ad), meaning I will never have to use my feet again!

Product #2

Tired of your children's complaints and seeming inability to do their chores?

Annoyed that your wife won't take your Princess Leia in a golden bikini fetish seriously?

In need of someone who really respects your authority?

The voice-activated R2-D2 will meet all your servant and geek needs!

Responds to over 40 commands, unlike your no good children,  and can even act as a motion detector to stop any no good thieves trying to make off with your personalized microwave.

Product #3

Do you ever have hostile urges to shoot something?

Do you ever wonder what the hell you are going to do with all these marshmallows?

The Marshmallow Gun will solve all your problems! With pump action grip and the ability to hold 20 bullets mini-marshmallows. Plus, dishwasher safe, so you can get rid of the DNA in a hurry!

Product #4

Great, you may think.

Now I can heat up my Hungry-Man dinner, get R2-D2 to play tag with me, and shoot my no-good children with marshmallows... but who will get me a beer?

Why, the Beverage Buggy will! 

This remote control tool will has enough space for two cans of beer.

Now if you could only get your damn wife to put them in the buggy for you.

Product #5

You know what I hate? Going on a vacation, and realizing I forgot my boating shoes. Awwwwk-ward.

Thank God for the Torrent shoe! It's 5 shoes in one, with detachable soles, so you never find yourself with only golfing shoes when you need fishing shoes again.

Product #6

You know what's embarrassing?

Cat crap.

Unfortunately, we haven't been too quick at figuring out how to make them use the toilet just yet.

*cue canned laughter*

However, what you can do is hide it... with a hidden litter box. Your guests will only see a stunning Tuscan handfinished claypot. They'll never know the shame that lies beneath if you turn the entrance to the wall.

Product #7

Books are so passe.

Don't be the last person on you street lugging around a paper version of the Bible to church.

All the hip kids know the solar powered speaking King James Bible is the way to go!

So, remember, folks, when that extra money is burning a hole in your pocket, and the folks at MyFreeImplants have taken out a restraining order against you, don't think charity... think Skymall.