Monday, August 4, 2008

Anecdotin'

Baby birds have decided to set up residence in our bathroom vents. Initially, I was a little confused at the twittering noises that provided my showering soundtrack. Given that I live in an older building, I wrote these cheeps off as remarkably animalistic squeaks-- but after a few days, I consulted the all-mighty Google, who informed me that birds often have a special affinity for bathroom vents. I confirmed this by standing on my toilet, and tapping the slats, to which I was responded to by a flurry of tweets. Although friends have deemed them creepy, I've grown a little fond of these winged chirpers... and I'm exceedingly happy that my vent does not have a fan.

***

A new Asshat of the Week has been declared...
Beer Pilferers.

As we bagged our alcohol for Saturday's house party, the Duke suddenly reminded me of a category of asshat I had forgotten for a long while (due to the sad lack of house parties since the whole graduating from high school thing): the beer stealer. This individual lurks by the fridge, where s/he scams unsuspecting people's beers, drinking them furtively in a corner, before grabbing another brand. We laughingly plotted a sting operation if we noticed any of our alcohol mysteriously disappearing, with plans to upload our confrontation of the beer stealer on YouTube.

A few hours later, we watched as a woman reacted to her beer being pilfered. 
"You know what's funny, guys? How we were the only people drinking Pilsner tonight, and somehow, we are missing four cans, and you two are sitting beside the fridge with cans of Pilsner in your hands."
The two men in question simply stood there, mouths agape and faces blank, and mumbled something about the host offering them free rein of the fridge's contents.
Apparently shame didn't serve as too substantial of a motivating factor to them, however, as it was only an hour later that I heard another friend's eruption over a missing six-pack.

Beer pilferers... as the winners of this week's prestigious prize, you are sentenced to a lifetime of consumption of warm non-alcoholic beer. Enjoy! And don't worry... no one will steal it from the fridge on you.

***

File this one "That was TMI, Facebook"....

Perhaps you remember my rant on the internet phenomenon that is My Free Implants (aka. the world needs big breasted women more than it needs to cure AIDS and famine)?

An old high school friend is a proud member of this site, and uses her status updates to fill us all in on her monetary progress. A recent one celebrated a large donation by declaring "Yay for compassionate, generous people". 

It makes me a little sad, honestly, because she is a beautiful girl with a phenomenal body, especially for having had two children, and she is having to chat with and send photos to rich men in order to get herself the surgery to convince herself that she is beautiful.

***

I just went to Costco for the first time in years, and had forgotten how wonderful the notion is of getting everything in jumbo sizes. I was in awe of 20 litre buckets of margarine and bags of sugar I could use as a sleeping bag. I was giddy over my ridiculous purchases when I arrived home, shouting things like "Do you have dirty hands? That's okay because I have 3 litres of liquid soap!" and "You want a granola bar? Have two! We have forty of them!" 

My best purchase? A 4 litre jar of pickles. 
It literally takes over a half of a fridge shelf.
The oddest thing about this behemoth is the fact that it lists 3/4 of a pickles as a serving size.

30 comments:

TMC said...

Are they dills? I just love dill pickles 3 servings at a time. Hello, hypertension headache! Pickles are totally worth it. :)

Deutlich said...

3/4ths of a pickle?! say what?!

Arielle said...

Oh man, I could eat that whole jar of pickles. I was at Costco yesterday actually and I too was marveling at how huge everything was since it had been forever since I had been there. My roommate and I got enough toilet paper to last us a year, probably. I love it.

Maxie said...

When I would bring a Box of Wine (read: classy) to a tailgate girls would always steal some from the box. It pissed me off b/c they NEVER asked. I obviously brought it so I woudln't have to drink beer, and when they realized there was something else they decided to help themselves. Suck!

Dexter Colt said...

No, it is 3-4 pickles per serving. Pickles are quite awesome. Is there a pickled martini? Because there should be one.

Caz said...

A serving is 3/4 of a pickle? 3/4 of a JAR maybe....
mmmmmmmm I love me some pickles.

X. Dell said...

(1) Three-fourths? Sounds like an awful lot of waste to me.

(2) Thanks for the info about beer pilferers. I only thought they existed in beer advertisements. Apparently, though, they are real.

(3) I'd be more concerned if the birds in your vent had tiny videocameras on them. Nobody expects avian paparazzi.

X. Dell said...

BTW, in your previous post, you're quite correct. Threats are not protected speech, and have never been considered as such.

Essentially Me said...

Why didn't they just make their pickles one serving size?? And I agree that Costco is amazing.

lspoon said...

Pickles are such a low calorie food. I'd say ignore the suggested serving size, since you know it's suggested and all :)

Nilsa S. said...

Beer pilferers? Wow. That concept is so old school to me. These days, when we bring a 6-pack of beer to a party, we pretty much know we're donating it to the group. We bring it expecting others to drink it. And we assume we'll be drinking what others bring. Do you think it's a geographical difference? An age difference? Or do you think we're delusional and our friends have pegged us as the beer pilferers? hahaha.

poodlegoose said...

I say, if you haven't gotten poop on your head yet, you can just let the little guys chill. Silly little birds.

And mmmm pickles. I just had a huge one last night, and I, too, noticed that the serving size was 3/4 of one pickle. But seriously? Have you seen the remains of a pickle if you try to save it? It ain't nothin' you wanna eat the next day, that's for sure.

A Margarita said...

Alcohol thieves should have the book thrown at them. Not cool.

Matt said...

Beer theives should all have their livers/bladders removed as punishment.

you should always bring beer or at least something to a party...

Carrie said...

I love Costco...I just wish I had a giant pantry to store the giant packages of food.

Yoda said...

How long till people start sponsoring vaginal reconstruction on a website? Now, THAT would be TMI!

NamesAreHardToPick said...

Yes it is funny what the world thinks we need more of. Sheesh, if big boobs are more important than poverty or famine, I do not want to imagine what the future has in store for us.

nrichie2345 said...

I despire beer pilferers! Ah i'd forgotten about these sneaky bastards. Or how bout those bastards that always ask you for shots or beers right when you've reached the point when you're too drunk and clueless to say no.

Jenn said...

That's a lot of pickle! I've never been to Costco and I feel that I am missing out.

Jess said...

My problem with Costco is that we just don't have the storage space for all that stuff. I look forward to having a house with a pantry so we can go hog-wild with jumbo packs of EVERYTHING.

Katelin said...

no one likes a drink stealer, ever.

but everyone loves costco, i mean how can you not?

Crashdummie said...

dude... when I read the birds part I got an imagie ala enchanted and singing scene... :D

All Mod Cons said...

Birds...if you have a really stinky poo, then that's what they smell. Makes you wonder why bathroom vents are so popular really. At least, it makes me wonder anyway.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

That beer pilfering thing is interesting to me; as when we go to parties, the beer is already there (it all evens out in the end). I guess that's the difference between our generations. The only beer stolen from us lately was that that the burglars took when they looted our garage last year; bastards even took our cooler!

longredcape said...

BAH to beer thieves. I used to get SO MAD at those bastards! I haven't had to deal with that in a while, thankfully.

eric1313 said...

You know? I felt compelled to leave ya some love for some off reason.

Baby birds in the bathroom fan duct is not as bad as having them reside inside your air conditioner. I had a third floor apartment, and you know how hot places like that can get. But I'm a softy when it comes to animals, so I let the grow to maturity. Finally one day I saw three of the little guys bouncing around on my balcony (yep, the sex balcony) (only once though, com'on!), and I rushed back across to the office and down into the maintenance shop to grabbed a new one (I was a maintenance tech for the complex at the time, it was my only benefit to get whatever I wanted for my apartment) that did not blow air out that smelled like a petting farm, and preemptively evicting all future avian residents with chicken wire. They could feel free to use my bath fan if the so desired.

eric1313 said...

wow, I think I have 3 different tenses in that response. Sheesh.

Z said...

mmmm... pickles! and costco - i need one of those to go to, i miss my big-box foos/chain store days

IMFB said...

What kind of pickles? They better be dill. Really, our blog friendship might ride on this.

Kayleigh said...

OK at first I thought that breast implant site was supposed to be a joke, but wait, it's real? That makes me so sad.

And yes, Costco is utterly amazing!!!! Woo hoo!

P.S. I'm glad the baby birds are safe. Is there any way to get them out??