Weights

I usually have a post more or less lined up in my head before I start writing, a few choice lines on repeat in my head. This is especially true after I return home for the holidays, as I write less when I'm home, partially for practical reasons, but it feels as though I think more.

Today, however, I woke up feeling exhausted, despite it being my first night back in my bed with a warm body beside me, despite the sun peeking through the blinds, despite the fact that it is New Years Eve, the day of champagne and optimism. And I'm hoping that perhaps the tapping of my fingers on the keys, pouring my thoughts out in some random fashion, may be a little soothing.

Ever since I moved to the city at 19, I've looked forward to going home for the holidays fiercely when the calendar strikes November. It could be both nostalgia and relationships, as I consider myself very close to my family, and people from small towns often end up scattered about, with the holidays being the only magnet that brings them back consistently. These days back in my old bed used to flow by with ease, as though no matter how busy I was, it never tired me out.

However, these past two years, going home has left me exhausted. This is not to say there aren't still tender moments and laughter, but just that these moments have been paired with more heavyness than I'm used to. Last year, my credit card was stolen, and my travel plans tossed about due to many cancelled planes. This year, my computer broke, and my travel curse continued, with many delays on the way to my destination, and being stranded for several extra days on the way back, with every plausible back-up plan seeming to crumble, leaving me up until three in the morning shooting off desperate emails.

This bad luck just seems to frame the rest of the interpersonal weight of this past week and a half. I feel like I've had too many revelations about people to count, and I just can't process it all. 

My sister is dating her boss, who is 12 years older than her, and is taking her to Mexico for her Christmas gift after a month of dating. Yes, for those of you who have read a few months back, this means she has split up again with her ex who was trying to buy a place in HomeTown to be close to her- they ended in the beginning of November.

My mother is, of course, wonderfully supportive of this, and looks at me as though I am the anti-Christ when I suggest there could be some ethical dilemmas in dating your boss. My father says nothing. 

Despite my mother's unconditional support of every single one of my sister's decisions, she feels she can comment on miniscule areas of my life with authority-- like the fact that my boyfriend is not comfortable (in the future!!) getting an engagement ring made by the same family friend who made the failed engagement ring for my sister's now ex-boyfriend, which is apparently near catastrophic, especially when sitting next to my sister's choices.

My sister has also shown me that I am relatively low on her priority list. I found out that she was not coming to spend New Years with me, as planned for months, by her talking with her new boyfriend about their New Years plans. She got very ill on Christmas day, and told me she would not be able to drive me home and spend the few days with me before New Years as planned for the 28th. By the 27th, she was dressed and out with the boyfriend, and I was still without a way to get home. She barely even asked what my plans were, and made no offer to help me out as another and another ride home fell through. 

My grandparents are falling apart before my very eyes. My grandfather used to be robust, loud, bold, and now he looks so very frail. My grandmother doesn't remember five minutes ago, doesn't remember my boyfriend despite having met him four times, and I am so afraid that by the time I go home next, I will be lost in the very same black pools.

I ran into The Ex's best friend while I was home, and the first thing he said to me is the last thing I wanted to hear: "Man, TheEx needs you more than ever right now."

TG and C are doing badly, and I have come to the revelations that the man I used to think was this wonderful troubled genius is just a straight up dirt bag. He treats her poorly, takes her for granted, says cruel things under the guise of jokes, is horrible with money, and even has a child in a nearby town he has never bothered seeing. And I used to utterly adore this man. 

Plus, I'm not sure what my relationship with TG should be amidst all this. She's hurt me so many times, yet I feel so angry at how she is being mistreated right now. I feel like I can't tell her to leave, though, as no one thinks I am objective in this situations. I'm scared of being accused of ulterior motives when all I want is for my friend to be treated well.

I just want my head to fucking stop for a minute, to slow down, to relax, to stop processing all this stuff. I want my memories of these holidays to be about the four batches of butter tarts I made, about trudging through the snow with my camera, about apple cider, about moments with old friends, about playing games with my family. I don't want them to be so heavy.